When I first entered college I was told I had made the right choice, that you can’t get a good job without a college degree. I imagined that once I graduated the word would spread throughout the land, CEOs of big companies would get a buzz from their secretaries on the intercom, “Sir just letting you know Mike Bongiorno just graduated from college”, they’d reply, “College you say?! Well then give him the nicest corner office we have!” Then they’d take a puff of a big cigar and laugh looking jolly like Santa Claus. I imagined doors literally flying open to let me in. Well one year ago I graduated and you know what, not so much. First off the days of putting on your best Sunday shoes and hitting the town with a stack of your resumes is over. You sit your fat ass down at a computer and search for your occupational future online. Monster, Careerbuilder, hotjobs, craigslist, myspace jobs you spend hours trolling these job-boards. The problem is there’s nowhere to send your resume. You’ll find a job that looks interesting, click on it and start reading the duties required for the job, everything seems good, you figure “Hey I can do this stuff”, then just when you’re about to send your resume you see it. “Minimum one year experience.”

Okay, no big deal, move on to the next one.
“Minimum one year experience.”
That’s odd. Next…
“One year experience”
Holy FUCKING SHIT! What the fuck is this some sort of catch-22 invented to wipe out people in their twenties? How is it that you cannot get any job without having experience but “experience” is a job! You need to have a job to get a job, so if you don’t have a job now you’ll never get a job! You’re going to be online everyday looking for work and that in itself is going to become a job. Somewhere between, “this is harder than I thought it would be” and “I’m going to kill someone!” you’ll think “WHY THE FUCK DID I GO TO COLLEGE!?”

I swear I expected the president of my school, and all my professors to jump out of my closet wearing party hats and holding balloons yelling, “Surprise!” Then lighting my diploma on fire and making it vanish like one of those magician napkins.

Finding a job is only the half of it. There is also the struggle of figuring out what it is you want to do with your life. Somewhere along the line in college you realized you hated your major and didn’t want to work in that field, but since you didn’t want to start again from scratch you kept going so you could graduate on time. So now you’re out of school and in the real world and have no idea what it is you want to do. Well good luck! This is where this article ends, because my dear readers I’m out of observations and sure as shit have zero answers. My job is to point out how fucked we all are in a humorous way. We’re all going to die penny-less. Goodnight!