The United States has the largest prison population in the world with 1 out of every 100, or 1%, of adults living in jail. And to that I have one thing to say: Thanks a lot, Texas. Myanmar arrests comedians for jokes and we can’t do better than them? Why not Thailand, or China, or Canada, or some other oppressive regime? The reason is that too few Americans watch cop-shows. If they did, they would soak in all the justice needed to conduct themselves like civilized human beings—not like apes flinging crap.

I spend a lot of my time trying to stay out of jail. Practicing doesn’t take much effort. I can practice during breakfast, DVD shopping, and while making transactions at the bank. By the end of the day I give myself a job well done and reward myself with some intravenous drug use. Staying out of the clink is a knack that I have picked up from watching every type of cop reality show, or “cop-docs,” as insiders refer to them. The lessons I have learned are too valuable to not share with the world. But then again, how many criminals read? Here’s the first lesson:

Don’t commit crime. When you took sex education class in high school, the teacher always advocated abstinence as the fail-proof way to avoid STD’s and pregnancy. I’ve never seen a woman get pregnant from a guy she didn’t have sexual intercourse with and I didn’t get genital warts from an Atlantic City hooker that I didn’t sleep with. So the same model can be applied to staying free from the swelling and burning of crime and the abortion of justice. But a crime-free lifestyle, like abstinence, is terribly boring. So for the petty vandal or the slight pervert, I have another solution.

If you commit a crime, don’t do it in front of a cop. Whenever I’ve committed a crime, I never did it in front of a cop. And every time a cop didn’t see me, he didn’t catch me. Fail-proof. It’s highly unlikely you’ll be arrested with out the presence of a law enforcement officer present. But, then there is the case of pesky witnesses. They can be disposed of later.

Unfortunately, not all of us can abstain from deviant behavior in the presence of the law for long. We all get the urge to just grab for a cop’s gun to test their reflexes. When a cop is provoked, conflict ensues, and the inherent fight or flight response commandeers the nervous system of the suspect. Don’t flee. You may be able to out run a cop, but you can’t out run a radio. Does this mean I suggest waging a fight? Absolutely not. If you do start a fight, know karate. If not, wake up handcuffed to a hospital bed. Jail.

If you end up incarcerated, don’t get convicted for heinous sex crimes. Hardened criminals frown heavily upon that rap. You’re likely to have committed heinous sex crimes committed upon you among others. Try to get booked on a more serious crime like serial killing or drug trafficking. For more on that, tune in next week.