Dear Internets why can't I find some local sluts on here??

Matty B. pontificates on one of the true mysteries of the universe... women. (and why he can't find any of the one's he knows posing nude on the internets.)

Submitted by Matthew Broderick on Tue, 04/22/2008 - 11:57pm.

Penny for my thoughts?

Dear Internets,
I've been surfing you since I was young and impressionable. Since then, you have kept my horny young libido supplied with endless amounts of blessed internet porn. I remember finding GreenGuys Linkorama (go ahead kids and Google it because it’s still around hehe) back in the day and waiting to download those jpegs of goodness as it slowly loaded from top to bottom. Good thing I like lady's breasts, or I'd still be waiting for those pics to load....hahahaha Am I right? Of course I am; This was when actually surfing the internets at 56ks a second was a wet dream for me.

But I digress; internets you've given me so much but I can't help feeling slighted. Why can't I find nekked pics of actual chicks I know? I’ve calculated that there are literally trillions of nekked chicks on you at this very moment and since I've been alive I’ve met a ton of chicks. So I'm thinking the numbers are in my favor that this could actually happen. I'm talking about all the girls I've ever met, from Kindergarten through grad school. (haha see what I did there, I just slipped in that I'm a graduate school alumni. Jealous? Its all right I know you are) I can't even find any of the girls I’ve worked with at each of my low paying shit jobs.

Elliot Spitzer's $200,000 whore got me thinking about this even more lately. I was reading all about this girl in the paper Where did the paper get all this juicy information? Was Lois Lane on the story? Nope. Guys who knew her in New Jersey were supplying the paper with details of their various escapades with her. That's the mother fucking mother load of awesomeness. These Jersey jerk offs were hanging out with a girl who they thought was just a regular hot chick but in reality she’s a high class prostitute involved in a huge political scandal that brought down a New York governor!! HOLY SHIT.

Come on now, internets, since the late 90s digital cameras and cell phone cameras have made their way into everyone’s lives. I myself have taken sexy photos of ex gfs and know for a fact that two of my college friends of the female persuasion got a little too inebriated one night and stripped down to nothing. Apparently there were pictures of this event floating around your vast internet vastness; So what gives?

Max Bemis of Say Anything put it best: “All that he wants is to see someone he respects without their clothes”. I don’t want someone I respect, all I'm asking for is a girl I know in the real world in a compromising situation involving no clothes, maybe with a body part of the opposite sex in her mouth. Is that asking too much?

Kthanxbye

P.S. If I ever have a daughter, the only thing I’m ever going to say to her, over and over again, is “Don’t be a whore.” I've seen way too much debauchery in my college days, I know where that leads.

Who did it?:

Matthew Broderick

Tags:

Submitted by The Lobster Man on Wed, 04/23/2008 - 5:21pm.

Ya know, I've kind of pondered that as well, but lets look at just the US for a second, there are 281,421,906 people here according to the 2000 census. From what I understand, slightly more then half are women, but lets just take an equal half, 140,710,953, for this example. Now, out of those women I would honestly have to guess only about 10 percent have naked pictures on the internet, which leaves us with only 14,071,095. 14 million women with nude photos on the internet, but I have to remind you, this is including all ages, and is spread out across the entire US. The odds are simply against you or anyone else who is hoping to one day see someone they know. Can it happen? Yes, it does obviously, you just have to be lucky.

_____________________________________________

It's the claw...

Submitted by chris on Wed, 04/23/2008 - 10:44pm.

lol lucky. What has the world come to when we're calling ourselves lucky for seeing a girl we know making the sex on the internets.

PS. Lobsterman likes boys

Submitted by Breermhofk on Wed, 04/23/2008 - 11:03pm.

OK a few comments on this one. One if you have taken sexy pictures of girls yourself then why don't you put them on the internet? Then your problem would be solved you will have seen a girl you know on the internet. Second, I think you just need to meet more stupid sluts. They have to be both though. Smart sluts keep the pictures and stupid prudes are just useless. But stupid sluts have no clue whats going on.