When was the last time you looked around? I mean really looked around at the world we live in. Violence and greed consume us. Everyone is concerned with our financial situation and the job markets. On top of all our problems, we have our most brilliant and savvy minds, both young and aged to perfection, focused on a much bigger threat we face...Global Warming. This leaves us commoners to fend for ourselves.

First things first, we'll solve the problems we have financially as well as the job market. Everyone with a bank account or money saved (even if it’s under your mattress) and get it out. Take a trip to the nearest designer clothing store with cash in hand. When you get there, spend it all, leaving not a penny in your pocket. Why? One, we all love expensive things; it will make us all feel so much better. Two, it will give such a boost to our financial market that our deficit will reach an immediate end.

“What about food?” you ask, “How will we survive?” My good people, you need not worry. When this is accomplished, we will be well dressed for the grandest of feasts. Where the meals will be rich and delicious, held on a nightly basis.

What’s on the menu? Who are the thick and jolly? The pleasantly portly? The rich, of course! We will feast on these families’ flesh; man, woman, and child alike. We will be nourished by their lavish lifestyles and gluttonous habits. “Can you pass some more thigh?” “Would you like some Trump or P-Diddy?” “I’m not sure if I’m in the mood for dark or white meat. They are both quite magnificent.” When we are full and well nourished,their financial success will be ours. Ours to splurge once more on the materialistic things we so desperately crave in our lives. With the financial situation back on top, the job market will follow. The best jobs will be available to us. Qualifications? What qualifications? Which among us cannot flawlessly run the most powerful country in the world? Everyone knows what’s the best decisions are for us. I hear it everyday from someone new.

Your children will remain safe and innocent, locked away in your basement, isolated. We can’t have them in the streets with the Chris Hanson Cult out there looking for them.

They will be left inside with food, water, and their thoughts. Video games, television, music, and movies are too much of a debauchery for their fragile minds. The world is too terrible for them.
What will we do on our free time? Why, strip naked (because who wants to ruin a $400 pair of Gucci jeans?) and hunt for the homeless, jobless, and lazy. This includes failing students. You know what they say about their flawless school systems; a third grader who fails third grade math or history, is a failure at life. And so, we will exterminate the burdens on our society, leaving nothing to hold us back from our perfect world. Why not hunt them, you ask? One, there is no financial benefit. Two, they are probably filled with toxic, narcotic substances. And finally, just look at the next homeless person you see on a street corner and ask yourself, “Do I really want to put my lips around that?”On top of that, think about the unappetizing sensation you’re left with when you’re enjoying some intestinal sausage, and you find a half eaten, half digested McDonald’s coffee cup inside. And think of how much change we can save to add to our spending, when it’s not being handed out to this infestation anymore.

While we are at it, we can save even more money when we stop throwing it away on prison systems, hospitals, and military. We don’t want criminals and lunatics running ramped through our golden streets, right? So, what do we do? We infiltrate these facilities. Once inside the prisons, hospitals, and asylums, we lock the patients and inmates in their cells and rooms. Once a night, right before the feast, we will gather twenty or more out of their rooms at random. We will tie them around our large dinner table, douse them in gasoline and light them on fire. What’s more romantic than a candle lit dinner? We don’t hunt them because shooting fish in a barrel is no fun.
The military will serve as wonderful side dishes. Who needs a military with all the peace we will have following this solution?

As we sit and sip the blood from our glasses, cheering to mankind and good health, we will gain the courage and strength of a hundred Sumerian gods as we savor each bite of the soldiers hearts; prepared with a delectable lemon barbecue sauce and just enough salt (too much salt would make this a very unappealing meal).

Lest we forget the ultimate human divider…religion. It must be destroyed! Not the ideas. That’s a silly, unrealistic, and distasteful concept. It is the pious and faithful that shall fall. Anyone who conforms to organized religion is an anarchist. Priests, rabbis, monks, the Dali Lama, the Pope; all trouble makers, with their individual ideas and beliefs. Our actions will bring about peace in the Middle East and stop the fighting between warring religions. And honestly, what’s more frustrating that being irate with someone, and while you strain yourself yelling and berating them, they have the audacity to sit there, say nothing, take the abuse, and even “turn the other cheek.” It’s infuriating! Elimination is the only solution.

What will we believe in? What will give us order, law, and faith? We will usher in and welcome a new savior. Someone who is brilliant, dedicated, and will save us all. Al Gore, almighty creator of the Internet. We are facing global catastrophe by way of the Sun. Our new savior has already warned us of our fate. But fear not, for not only will he destroy the Sun with a supersonic clap of his hands, but he will also stop the glaciers from melting with the icy breath of the heavens. With him watching over us, we don’t even have to worry about our sins of cannibalism, for he will even freeze over the flames of Hell.

He will give us the life and luxury we have always wanted with stylish clothes, hearty meals, available jobs, universal beliefs, and of course, unmeltable ice cubes. We will outwardly be told what to do, like the robots we already are. This will certainly be a life worth living. Hopefully, after your financial success, you will be as good of a meal to us as the Trump was to you.