Large tour groups flock to the Staten Island Ferry to gawk at the Statue Of Liberty and Manhattan skyline. God knows it's not to dock at Staten Island and spend precious vacation time there. These tour groups are so large that their leaders will often raise a prop high above their head in order to keep the group together and avoid getting lost among the dense pedestrian traffic. This one particular travel group from Sweden used a large red umbrella as their north star. Well, guess what? I also have a large red umbrella. I misled about 20 to 25 Swedes to a nearby Staten Island ghetto and then took off at top speed. A couple of them were fairly tenacious and followed me further than I had hoped for. I lost most of them at a local Duane Reade but I currently have a newlywed couple sleeping in my kitchen. I've been pleading with Hugo and Frida incessantly, trying to communicate that this is not part of their travel package, but I don't think they get it. They keep nagging me about a shuttle bus and fresh towels.

Tourists do not ride the ferry to see Staten Island. They want to see Ms. Liberty (yes, still not married, although people have reported seeing the Wall Street Bull penetrating Ms. Liberty's left sandal) then head back to Manhattan. It is standard operating procedure for all on-board passengers to leave the ferry and board another vessel in order to make the return trip to the mother borough. They make this announcement over the loud speaker but only in English, therefore, guaranteeing that 90% of the tourists will stay oblivious, planted on their benches or leaning against the deck railings. How much would it take to record that very same announcement in several popular languages? Instead, the ferry crew has to make the rounds, walking throughout all three floors, shooing the tourists away like dirty pigeons, It seems the ferry hasn't embraced it's dual identity. It's not only as a vessel for Staten Island commuters but also as a NYC Tour Boat, and a free one at that. I think I'll begin to give random tours on the deck. Not only do I have a red umbrella but also a megaphone:

"Hey kids, look over there, it's Ms. Liberty. Isn't she cute?.... And behind you, at this bench, is where my friend, Tony, received his first hand-job. And we thought that old guy only shined shoes."