A HEALTH WATCH REPORT A seven-month clinical study has proven that empty calories and a lack of physical activity, not flawed diets, are a root cause of the high numbers of overweight citizens. This negates the theory of popular diet enthusiasts who attempt to dwindle pounds through diets that consist of only broth or pills that are sold on deli counters.

“I would drink these shakes you know?” said Roy Rogers, a volunteer for the study. “Vanilla, strawberry, chocolate. Then I would take my Stacker 2, or 3. I assumed I could eat whatever I want and let the drugs do the work.” Doctor David Stanley, of the Clinical Association of Nutritional of Kalamazoo, Louisiana Esquire (also known as CANKLE), has studied candidates of all age groups. The criteria for the study required a minimum of two chins per subject.

“We noticed that most of our subjects ate way beyond the point that their hunger was satisfied,” said Dr. Stanley. When that point approaches, a condition, which Stanley calls being “Full” in medical terms, he suggests that the subject stop eating at once. This will prevent further fattening of the arteries. Further conclusions also revealed that the best way to shed those Taco Bell chalupas from the midsection is through rigorous exercise.

“Liposuction should be used in only extreme cases,” said Stanley. “This should never be an immediate option.” Stanley suggested some popular activities that have a history of raging war against fat. They include sporting events, and outdoor activities such as rock climbing, as well as a relatively new trend known as walking.

“I used to only sweat when I went to the bathroom,” said Rogers. “Now I sweat constantly.” Many health aficionados, or lack thereof, have found solace in diets endorsed by popular celebrities. John Basedow has endorsed his eight minute abs video which certainly do not produce the taut physique of Matthew McConaughey in less than a rendition of November Rain by Guns N Roses. Kate Winslet has stayed fit by performing facial exercises, which paid off for her nude scene in the James Cameron film, Titanic. Anna Nicole Smith proved that a surplus of diet pills could leave a beautiful corpse. And finally, the Mary Kate Olsen diet, which consists of cocaine and dry oatmeal, has adverse effects on one’s health.

“I’ve tried eating no carbs,” said Rogers. “Then, I ate nothing but carbs. Neither seemed to trim the excess 135 pounds that fill these cotton sweat pants.” As a result of this study, the Food and Drug Administration will look into the legalities of mandating that fast food chains place warning labels on all of their fatty products. They first tested this idea, putting depressing labels on things that people enjoy, when they issued warnings on cigarettes and alcohol. Their results have proved minimal since the two vices hold down multi-billion dollar a year industries. Nevertheless, anti-food interest groups have rallied around the idea of the warnings. Dolores Pickett, the leader of the group, “Not in My Mouth,” issued a statement:

“We want people to know that with every bite they take, they die a little on the inside and grow a little on the outside.”