In a quiet, unassuming town along the rust belt, Patricia Bruno safety pinned mittens to her son’s winter coat on an unseasonably warm May morning. She drops her son off at Public School 8 every morning at 7:55 before she continues along with her typical routine of cleaning and cooking, and midday drinking.

But, when she arrived this afternoon to the brick school house to pick up her son from his kindergarten class, she found the street inexplicably lined with emergency personnel. Fearing the worst, she hid her silver flask under the passenger seat and swallowed a piece of Orbit gum. But, authorities weren’t there for her habitual alcohol consumption; they were there to take down her 5 year old son, Brandon, who had taken hostage of his fellow classmates.

Outside of Public School 8, law enforcement officials now await the release of twelve hostages from a kindergarten classroom where, for over four hours, as an overzealous tot hijacked a game of ‘Duck, Duck, Goose.’

“He’s a good boy,” said his mother. “ Sometimes he gets a little rambunctious when he drinks grape juice. His father is a diabetic.”

The child seized the oval shaped ring of Indian position sitting pupils right after recess on Monday. The teacher, Mrs. Brown, called police when the child refused to select a goose from among the dozen ducklings.

“He just kept rounding and rounding,” said Brown with a cold gaze. “Duck. Duck. Duck. Duck. Duck. Finally I said, Brandon, that’s enough! But, I knew he wasn’t going to stop.”

Principal Hal Holbrook said that the incident is isolated, except for one instance, where a child stood in a game of 7-Up although no one had ever pressed his thumb down. The debate caused several days of bloody rioting.

One mother, Connie Worthington, arrived to the scene shortly after three p.m. against the tide of soccer moms and mini-vans. A block full of police and the local S.W.A.T. team directed her to pull over as they had cordoned off the block, said one eyewitness.

A police officer said that all of the twelve children remained relatively unharmed beside their chafed scalps and severe crankiness. Several children reportedly want their mommy’s and others really needed to go potty.

Negotiators have sent in several cases of Polly-O string cheese, Fruit Rollups, and Gushers into the classroom in order to keep the children fed. But, they fear that Brandon himself may have gotten his hands on the treats as well, further exacerbating his sugar rush.

Negotiators have tried several tactics to lure him out like a promised trip to Sesame Place, a puppy, and a birthday party with laser tag. They later resorted to threats such as “you wait until your father gets home” and “Santa is watching” to no avail.

Officers on the scene said the ordeal almost concluded when they made an offering of a dinner of ice cream—chocolate, vanilla, AND strawberry. But, his mother said that the police had completely overstepped its bounds and that the frozen treat would “spoil his dinner.”

They used the offering as leverage in a bargaining deal that would allow for the release of one boy who had to make a 4:30 soccer practice.

“If he doesn’t make the practice he will be benched,” said his father. “What if there is a scout for the Red Bulls in the stands or something? It could damage his whole career.”
Their last resort could possibly involve some type of barrage of beanbag type bullets that would temporarily disable the child, or a stun gun on a long stick. Others have suggested a highly orchestrated attack, which would consist of smoke bombs and machine gun brandishing SWAT members.

“In order for these plans to work,” said Police Chief Ray Kelly, “we would have to know which direction the child is traveling. We are still unable to confirm whether he is rounding clockwise or counter clock wise.”

Law enforcement agents will work into the night to devise a plan. But, the child shows no signs of tiring according to police. Kelly later hinted that this crisis might keep these children up way past their bedtime.