It seems pretty contradictory to have on one hand a food crisis and on the other hand an obesity problem. That’s like being pregnant and having rabid infertility problems at the same time. There’s plenty of complicated reasons why the media has boldfaced headlines about food riots and why the United Nations insists we share our grub. In reality, we do have worldwide food problems, but, look around. If the United States has food problems then Saudi Arabia has oil problems.

An apparent solution should manifest in the very notion of the contradiction. If we have a world wide food crisis, and an obesity problem, then we should share our food so that we avoid turning into fatties. China has its “one-child policy,” I suggest a one meal policy. Every American citizen must maintain a diet of one meal per day. The UN will donate the other two meals we have spared to the poorer countries. The success will certainly cascade a positive ray of light upon the United States.

As a result of this generous donation, waist lines will trim, bellies will de-bulge, and breasts will recapture their natural elasticity. In turn, all of those who wore clothing designed for the voluptuous figure will have to buy high end fashion in a frenzy of vanity to satisfy their newly developed shallow personality. Lacking a proper vehicle to accompany their lavish chinchilla Armani belt, the reformed citizen will have to invest their capital into the fledgling automobile industry to obtain a pimping ride. Likely, they will invest in foreign cars, but, most foreign cars are made in the United States. Therefore, assembly jobs will return to the rust belt and will reinvigorate the middle class. Everyone in the United States will become rich, thin, and filled with material joy. So we’ll learn how to develop fuel efficient cars that run on our own arrogance.

Just think of the possibilities. If only we could give up two meals.

Now, some would say: “Legislation like that violates constitutional law.” And I in turn, would retort: “Yeah, so what, you want to fight about it?” That’s the fuel behind the fire that the Bush administration has fanned for eight glorious years. A lot of things go against the Constitution, such as, the Patriot Act. The decision becomes, would you rather be free from tyranny or would you look good in tight jeans?

I’m sure if Dog and Pony Show had the resources to conduct a nationwide poll based on the opinions of 1,000 randomly selected Americans and asked them if they would rather have a competent president or six pack abs, they would go with abs. I’m just sure of it. It’s a gut thing, no pun intended.

Of course, some “experts in the medical community,” also known as doctors, will try to contradict this theory accusing it of being a “radical malpractice,” and “complete negligence of human health standards,” and the most cunning rhetoric of all, “this man is not a licensed physician and his opinion does not represent that of the American Medical Association.” This is all divisive talk in order to bolster the health care system’s profit monopoly. You see, if you stop eating and develop a super fantastic bod, then doctors won’t need to suck the fat from your ass to inject it into your lips, or suck the fat from your stomach from your belly and inject it in your ass, or suck the fat from your heart and inject it into an Italian BMT from Subway. Doctors need your fat to pay for their fat—their big fat paychecks and their big fat yachts. Don’t buy into that bologna. It’ll only force you to eat that bologna with mayonnaise.

Don’t let any of this puny attempt at satire put forth the notion that a food crisis doesn’t exist. It does. In the United States, a family spends 10% of their income on food. A family in say, Zimbabwe, spends anywhere from 40 to 60% of their income on food. Any spike in food pricing sends a family that lives on daily income reeling. A jump to 80% could kill a nation. Say you made five dollars a day, which many do in these countries. Yesterday you spent 2 out of 5 dollars to eat modestly. Tomorrow, you might find yourself paying 3 and soon enough 4. In the United States, four dollars buys a domestic beer in a trendy New York City lounge.

Okay, who farted in the flower shop? Some depressing stuff to handle there. My point is that this whole world isn’t as hopeless as it seems. It’s not that we’re running out of food, it’s that our food is misplaced. I work as a waiter (in a restaurant). I won’t say which out of fear of retribution. We serve large parties quite often in which we serve a pasta course, a salad course, a main course, and then desert. A higher end party will have hot antipasto plates that precede that entire shebang and will also bring their own deserts to complement the cake and fruit platters with hot fudge. When we clear these parties, we empty the contents of the plates into a large aluminum vat. There has never been a time where I haven’t filled the vat when I cleared each course. We’re talking buckets of pasta— including bowls that no one touched—that could feed an neighborhood of Haitians.

What should we do though? Send them garbage pails filled with our scraps? Should the peons feed from the crumbs that fall from the kings mouth? The idea of that kind of charity serves as an insult of an even greater degree. Besides the potential amount of disease that would spread could wreak havoc on an entire continent. Disease here is cured with a scribbled piece of paper. You don’t want to fuck with disease in Africa.

But don’t let any of this upset you. Sit back. Swig on a Coors Lite while you tackle a six-foot hoagie during the NBA Finals. There’s no reason to get down on yourself every time you have a wing when Kobe drains a basket. Your burp could save life…