In an unprecedented media takeover, Rupert Murdoch and News Corp. announced that it has bought the rights to all of the world’s weather. A rumored buyout of the cable television channel, The Weather Channel, prompted Murdoch to up the stakes with a bid for climate conditions themselves.

The deal, announced Tuesday, cost the Australian media mogul $12 billion through a combination of cash and stock options, according to a report formed by clouds over the four major oceans. Late Monday night, attorneys for Murdoch and his corporation hammered out the final details with the former executor, God.

“After a series of hostile bids, which at first we adamantly rejected,” said Peter, a spokesman for the Lord, “we finally caved to the pressure in the best interest of our shareholders…I mean…followers. They just had too much money, even for us.”

Business analysts predict that Murdoch likely seized on the former administration’s exposed weakness after flooding in the Midwest, a devastating earthquake in China, and flooding in Myanmar.

“They just couldn’t keep up with things the way they were going,” said Reverend David Earney, making a sign of the cross. “Likely this will have little impact on Murdoch spiritually since he is already doomed to an eternity of fiery hell.”

Murdoch said he has no ambitions of world domination as of this time. He is merely exploring alternative possibilities to fabricating and profiting from the news, he said.

“I don’t want to cause ill for the world,” said Murdoch, “That is not my intention. At the same time, I really don’t want to do anything good for the world either. Global warming? Not my problem…I’m just a lowly television man.”

Several media outlets have decried the deal and one spokesman from CBS called it “a crime against civilization.” The overall tone seemed somber as news executives scrambled to adjust to the rapid unpredictable patterns, especially when a cold front from Canada froze most of the switchboards at NBC and ABC.

Murdoch serves as the Chairman and C.E.O. of News Corp., a media corporation that owns Fox and all of its television and film affiliates, the New York Post, the Wall Street Journal (which he acquired through Dow Jones). He also owns MySpace, the popular stalking and molestation site.

Besides his media holdings, Murdoch owns several Malaysian slaves, a silicon chip programmed to control Bill O’ Reilly, and a small island in which Fox films its reality shows and much of Prison Break.

How Murdoch can operate such a complex system as the environment remains to be seen. Advisors close to him have hinted at the possibility of a harnessing gravity, a large remote control with weather pictures on the buttons, and a Magic 8-ball that would decide at random.

News Corp. hinted at the possibility of an uncanny mid-June snowstorm in the Northeast as it ushered in its latest acquisition.

Spokesmen for the company claim that News Corp. hasn’t exacted its dominance over the media market in any substantial way. Nor, does this deal pose a threat to other outlets in and around the country.

“Meteorologists failed to predict the weather accurately 4 out of 5 days this week,” said Ben Brantley, a News Corp. executive. “So, really, everything has stayed the same.”