Ah, the first few weeks of school. There’s nothing quite like it. The smell of freshly unwrapped notebooks and manila paper, the sound of a child breaking a No. 2 pencil in distress and boredom, and the feeling of constantly having to shit do to the stress brought on by an awkward mix of upcoming exams and a fear of failing out. Yeah, there’s nothing in the world quite like it. I’ve always held in my cranial reserve a few tricks of the trade that have helped me through tough times at school. Now, my fellow students, they can all be yours.

First of all, remember to always make a good first impression on your teachers. I’ll never forget when I was in fifth grade; my friend Steven wanted to be a wise-ass, so he snuck up behind the teacher and kicked her in the shins. She tripped and fell on to the floor while we all laughed. We were little bastards. Did I mention that my teacher was 56 years old? Did I also mention that Steven was never seen in school again?

Another excellent tip for surviving the first few weeks of school is to always remember to pack light. Don’t over-fill your backpack with books you don’t need (like Jane Eyre; God that was a pointless and go-nowhere excuse for a novel). You should never carry more than you have to; otherwise you will start to sweat as you hulk your way up the stairs and into your classroom. This will lead the other students to think one of two things: You are getting too fat and can hardly walk without breaking a sweat or they’ll assume that you just rushed to c lass after a futile attempt at masturbating in the men’s room on the first floor (you know; the quiet one at the very end of the hall that nobody ever goes in). Both cases are equally embarrassing.

Speaking of futile attempts at masturbating; never, under any circumstances, get an ego. I, for one, never want to end up being that guy who thinks he is funny and wants everyone to know it. I knew a douchebag like that once. He came into school one day dressed in a chicken suit. He literally thought that he was funnier than Dane Cook (who, for the record, I never found funny either). Well, because I went to Catholic School in Staten Island, New York, a sizable portion of my class was made up of guido assholes who had no concept of wit or humor and found him to be hilarious. I never felt so filled with rage then when kids would laugh at him. What was my point again? Ah yes; Um--I--ah--hmm--I was an angry young man in high school? That works. I'll go with that.

Get to know the habits of the cafeteria soup-of-the-day. If you only take just one piece of my advice, please, let it be this. Learning what days different soups are served means the difference between having your day brightened by a big cup of hot chicken corn chowder or having your great day dampened by a sub-par Italian wedding soup. When the soups are good, they're easily the best you may ever taste. But when they're bad, they are not even worth eating for free.

Make friends with the student government. Get involved with them, get elected, and then you gain The Power. What exactly is The Power? The Power is stupendous, monumental, uplifting, enlightening, powerful, it gets you laid, baked, and hammered--at the same fucking time! Actually, it just lets you put forth future school agendas and operations. But it still might be able to get you laid; if you play your cards right...ok, not really.

Lastly, invest in paper. That's right; I said it. Do you realize how much paper your school uses up in just a single day? A lot. When I say "invest" I literally mean take all of your life-savings and bet the farm, house, children, and everything else on paper. With the money you'll make you could quit school and start a convent of followers that hang on your every word and will do anything you want. Anything, Vin? Yes, anything (even kill Pat Sajak).

NOTE: Investing $20 in paper may or may not allow you to execute Pat Sajak.