Apples. It seems as though when one thinks of a perennial fruit favorite, this delicious morsel of heavenly goodness always springs to mind with a mental potency that can only be equated to a Phoenix rising from the ashes. But did you realize that apples are good for more than just eating? It’s true.

Throw at Small Children:

First and foremost, they can be thrown at small children as a form of punishment. Your son or daughter acting up again? Simply pelt them in the face with apples until they learn to shut the fuck up and realize that you own them until they’re 18. What’s that? They’re still acting up? Have them bob for apples; then, when they dunk their puny little heads under to bob, just place your size 13 ½ boot on top of their heads. They’ll be sure to never toy with mommy and daddy’s patience ever again.

Make a Bong:

Another use for apples, I’ve been told, is making a bong. While this intrigues me by virtue of the simple fact that there are people, probably right this very second, in our society using fruit as an accomplice to illegal drug usage, I can not help but wonder how one goes about sinking into the moral dregs so deep that the only thrill left in doing something illegal is to figure out clever ways to alter the only legal aspect of the action.

Spoon-Feed to Old-People:

But apples are not just for eating, pelting at children, and smoking weed. Apples are great for mashing up and spoon feeding to old-people. They just love it. Spoon feed them applesauce and watch them coo and giggle with unbridled delight and sheer ecstasy. Pretty soon their bowels will expel with the force of twelve lumberjacks as they have an orgasmic release of all of their bodily functions after their nervous system can no longer comprehend the concept of human joy. It’s quite the sight to behold. But be warned; too much applesauce and, well…let’s just hope that day never comes.

Fight Terrorism:

Apples can also be used to help fight terrorism. How? Well, if I told you that, then the terrorists would find out and know the secret that lies inside the awesome power behind apples that will eventually lead to their downfall...No, this is not me copping out because I couldn't figure out another alternate use for apples. Anyone who thinks likewise is simply against America.