Cast: Kristin, Carlo.

Setting: Front and passenger seats of a car; camera mounted on, or beneath, the middle dashboard.

C- Carlo
K- Kristin

//Both get into the car at the same time with Kristen in the driver’s seat and Carlo in the passenger’s seat//

C- [wearing an ill-fitting tuxedo with a larger-than-average bow-tie] I can’t wait until this fucking wedding is over. Waste of a perfectly good Saturday if you ask me.

K- [wearing a beautiful light-colored gown] Well nobody asked you; now did they, Carlo?

C- I’m sorry, what were you saying? I was too busy thinking about what I COULD have been doing today instead of what I AM doing.

K- Carlo! This is my brother’s wedding.

C- So?

K- So, stop acting like you’re the only person that matters and just go into today with some semblance of optimism.

C- But babe, how can I be optimistic when my day is soon to be filled with annoying relatives and cheap wine?

K- My relatives are not annoying!

C- Your cousin Merle took a big shit in my brand-new Addidas last year when you had your family over to see our new house!

K- He’s autistic!

C- He’s retarded!

K- Same thing, genius.

C- No. It can’t be. If they were the same thing then there wouldn’t be a need for two separate words; oh great Wizard of Webster’s[dictionary].

K- //sigh// Let’s just go already.

C- //turns radio on//

K- What is this?

C- It’s Pearl Jam.

K- No. What the fuck is this station?

C- It’s K-Rock.

K- It’s shit. //switches station//

C- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. What are you doing?

K- I want to listen to a dance station.

C- //turns back to K-Rock// Yeah, well I want to listen to some rock.

K- //turns back to dance// Well, maybe when you decide to get your own car instead of mooching rides off of me, then you can drive to the wedding yourself and listen to whatever YOU want to on the way there.

C- First of all, if I had my own car I would tell you to go without me and that I’d meet you there, and then just sit home in my boxers, watch Spongebob, and eat Hot Pockets all day.

K- Are you trying to tell me that you hate my family?

C- I think that fact was pretty much implied when I said that I wanted to have your cousin Merle put to sleep by lethal injection.

K- You didn’t say that!

C- Well I just did; so deal with it.

K- You are sick!

C- What? What?

K- You—are a terrible human being—and I just pray to fucking God that we can make it through this day in one peace.

C- We will as long as your cousin Merle isn’t there--I’ll knock that retarded son of a bitch out cold if I have to.

K- Will you just shut the fuck up already!

C- No! You’re the one who started this whole thing by forcing me to tag along with you to your brother’s wedding!

K- //starts to put her head in her hands and cry//

C- Aw, come on now. Don’t start crying. Look, I’m sorry. //starts to hold Kristin in his arms//

K- You are?

C- //whispers// Of course I am. Would it make you feel better if we went in the backseat and fucked?

K- //sniffles once before getting enraged again// What!?

C- //points to the backseat with both of his thumbs// The backseat—do you, do you wanna make a quick //makes “pop” noise with his mouth// in the backseat before we leave?

K- Now I know you’re fucked up!

C- What?!

K- I’m not getting my dress all filthy!

C- Oh, so now i'm filthy?

K- Yes—Carlo, you're filthy. You're filthy and dirty and smell like sourdough bread hollowed-out and filled with two month-old horseradish. Maybe you should try taking more than three showers a month!

C- I’m going to just disregard that last statement and forgive you for saying it because I know that most-women say things that they don’t really mean when they’re on their period.

K-I’m not on my goddamn period, Carlo!

C- It’s ok, I understand.

K- I’m not on my fucking period!!

C- Can I get you a Midol?

K- [screams] //lunges and Carlo and starts to choke and hit him// I’m going to fucking kill you!

C- //getting choked and punched// It’s ok! Honey, it’s just the tampon crammed up your vagina talking! It’ll fall out soon and release you of your rage and hostility!

//abruptly cut to end credits and music//