When asked by a reporter why he was quitting, Hammer was quoted as saying “[I] want to just come clean and state for the record that it was a good run. Me and my backup dancers had fun and made a [expletive]load of money, but there is no denying any longer that my legitimacy has been waning these past 15 years.”

When asked for a comment, former chart rival turned best friend to Hammer, Rob Van Winkle, best known to fans as Vanilla Ice, told DAPS NEWS “I know how [Hammer] feels. When the ice melted I felt so cold. I had to move back in with my parents and take a chill for a while. My career was frozen until The Surreal Life came knocking. Now I spend my days selling used Saabs for heroin that I inject into the vein under my penis with a dirty hypodermic needle. Somebody please kill me.”

90’s music drop-out Marky Mark (of Funky Bunch fame) told DAPS NEWS upon hearing about Hammer “What did you just call me, punk? It’s Mr. Wahlberg to you. I haven’t done the whole music thing since the Dirk Diggler days. Leave the past in the past little man and get out of my face before I box your ears. What, you write for DAPS? I produce Entourage. I’ll let you off the hook this time, scamp. Say hi to your mother for me.”

I caught up with Hammer just after his bombshell press conference. Hammer had this to say when pressed about what he’s going to do now that he has quit:

“I guess I’ll just hang around the house and raise my kids. Same thing I’ve been doing since 1993; only this time I’m officially done with it all. I was once too legit to quit, but now, now I’m lucky if Disney wants to use “Can’t Touch This” in a 30-second television spot for some [expletive] straight-to-DVD sequel to The Lion King. *sighs* Can I interest you in the church for Jesus Chr...what do you mean ‘no’? You know you’re all going to Hell if you don’t repent, right?”

When cornered five minutes later at a Red Lobster, Hammer was seen wearing sunglasses, clutching a Jesus statuette, and crying over a plate of Scampi.