Ahoy Valtrex Users!

This is a special Columbus day edition of my blog where I will go over a brief history of Columbus day, sleep with your girlfriend, then try to explore other accidents that have made the history books. Accidents like when your father accidentally rescued your mother from that bestiality snuff film in Amsterdam, or when I accidentally threw eggs at that elderly couple in Wisconsin until my shoulder got sore. Happy 60th Anniversary Grandma! SPLAT! Oh god the laughter is killing me. Now to the history.

Creepy, Looks like Mona Lisa gone lesbo.

NOTE: All of these facts are confirmed by a historian who also moonlights as a crack dealer by my house. I repeat, this is all historical fact.

In 1492 some dude named Christopher Columbus was sent on a mission from some queen in Spain. Now I'm pretty sure his name was different and he was named Christopher Columbus because Home Alone was a hit when this holiday gained popularity. I read somewhere his real name was Carl Stevens. Well anyway, he was sent to find a route to the West Indies and he must've gotten high on PCP because he landed in Delaware where he was befriended by a group of Indians who ran a nearby casino. Afterwards Columbus (Stevens) befriended (enslaved, killed) the local Mohegan Sun employees and began colonization of the Americas. Now this is like looking for your car in the parking lot, finding a different one and killing everyone inside it and declaring it yours. Does that seem holiday worthy? Hey maybe I'm just a grumpy guss, but then again maybe you support genocide.

Other accidental discoveries.

Benjamin Franklin Discovers Electricity.

Some nutbar named Ben Franklin wanted to see if lightning was capable of being harnessed, so the genius ties a key to a godamned kite and another to his junk. He discovered that when kites burst into flames they become weapons...and that 40,000 volts is enough electricity to turn a man into a woman.

VIAGRA

Viagra was initially produced as an Angina medication, and no that has nothing to do with a vagina (Well Viagra does...unless your gay then it's used for mangina...HAHAHAHA...VLLRP). The drug was created to treat heart disease by preventing blood clots and promoting blood flow through the vessels. It ended up giving the 12 test subjects massive erections right before their hearts exploded. It seems the research on the heart disease aspect of the drug was dropped immediately due to the fact that every test subject was seriously horny and "frankly couldn't give 2 shits about their hearts." It is rumored 11 test subjects masturbated themselves to death. One got away...There's a reason I win the IRON FOREARM competition in Germany every single year.

If you can think of any discoveries that were done by accident please keep it to yourself as it may lower your chances of ever getting your penis touched by a woman not paid to do so.

Until next time,
Sham TM