Greetings Valtrex Users,

In honor of the recent news that the sonzabishes in hollywood are remaking such classics as Friday the 13th, Nightmare on Elm Street and Poltergeist, I am here with some terrific news! A really powerful and important movie mogul who lives in a fantasy world I have created has given me free range to remake any movie I please...EVEN THE CLASSICS! So pop a hole in the bottom of your popcorn bucket guys, because your going to the movies! and possibly getting a handjob. You're welcome.

The first movie I'm working on is a remake of...

Gone with the Wind

Premise: This will be set in the year 2020. The climate change has caused catastrophic weather conditions and the world is in peril. A northern wind (that is also possessed by a demon named Sanunu) is chasing a woman named Scarlett, who is pregnant with the christ child. Scarlett, who coincidentally has a red "A" tramp stamp, searches for a weather/occult expert named Red Butler. Can they find the mystical ashes of the anti christ, Sam Champion before it's too late? or will they be GONE WITH THE WIND. BOOM.

UPDATE: I'm being sued by German filmmakers cuz they say the premise is stolen. Here's the movie cover. You decide. (can't believe I found this)

Having fun?

The next movie I really think is due for a remake is...

CITIZEN KANE: He'll make HO HO HOLES in your esophogus.

Premise: A christmas decoration tycoon has recently been beaten to death with a sled, but not before he could put a hex on the killer, turning him into a christmas confection (candy Cane). When people start buying Buddy Rose Candy canes, the killer possesses all of the candy canes and breaks into sharp shards, getting stuck in their throats and making it inconvenient to eat anything for hours after. Can Keanu Reeves make his way into The Xanadu Christmas Factory and find the snow globe that will destroy the killer? or will kids all over the world be uncomfortable for several hours before eventually feeling better and going to sleep? THIS CHRISTMAS THE CANDY CANE WILL HANG YOU!

YOU LIKE THAT HOLLYWOOD?! YOU WANT MORE I'LL GIVE YOU MORE YOU SLUT!

CASABLANCA

Premise: This will simply be a documnetary about The White House, In spanish, with a Bogart impersonator narrating with a spanish accent. It will also talk about the white supremacist Neo-Nazi protests in front of the CASABLANCA. See, I got Bogart and Nazi's...Think I'm bein pretty faithful to the original.

and finally....

The Godfather

Premise: A plucky comedy about a mobster turned nanny named Michael Corleone who becomes the godfather to 2 troublesome children after the whacking of their parents. He tries to balance his responsibilities as head of the family with his new responsibilities as head of the household. Can he turn in his pistols for binkies? Will his criminal past come back to haunt him? Will he be able to re-gain the honor of his family while not burning the cookies? This summer you're gonna get whacked...in the hiney, now go to your room.

Now I understand why they remake movies that are already amazing. There's so much they left out in the original! Well I apoligize corporate cum receptacles. You keep remaking as many movies as you want and while your flesh is sliding off your bones as you sizzle alive in hell, just know that somewhere your daughter and maybe even your son are participating in bukkake.
Thank you.

Love always,
Sham the McGyptian

NOTE: THE REMAKE OF BATMAN IS JUSTIFIED BECAUSE JOEL SCHUMACHER IS A DOUCHEBAG AND DARK KNIGHT IS THE MONA LISA OF COMIC BOOK MOVIES. NOW I'M DONE.