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Greetings Valtrex Boo...sers,

SCREW YOU, That was funny cuz it was a halloween reference and it highlighted your affinity for alcoholism…the same disease that turned your sister into a porn star. Welcome to the Pre-Halloween edition of the McGyptian Blog. Now no one really reads this so I'll just be my own audience. I am a die hard horror movie fanatic and the movie monsters always held a special place in my heart. Even the pussies like Candyman, Scream guy, and OJ Simpson gave me a scare or 2. Today I'm gonna list the most popular movie monsters and give you a background and why they are so awesome. Those who are looking for factual info on these characters better switch sites and head to wiki. THAT MEANS YOU SHAM!

THE LIST IS IN ALPHABETICAL ORDER SO NO ONE BITCHES ABOUT THE BEST ONE. COOLEST WILL BE ANNOUNCED AFTER ALL THE READERS VOTE. AND I AM ALL THE READERS SO I WILL CHOOSE AT THE END.

THE CANDYMAN

Now I know of this movie monster/murderer and I know the story vaguely. I think it follows the hijinks of a disgruntled confection salesman who wears plastic innards over his jacket to scare children about the dangers of eating too much candy. The Candyman's lesson: Eat too much candy and your body turns into a beehive. His real story is he is a slave who bumped uglies with a white plantation owner's daughter. He is tortured and murdered. For some odd reason they call him candyman. You say his name or a black joke in the mirror and he kills you. Get off Bloody Mary's Dick and get your own legend.

HOW HE KILLS: Well he has a hook. So, he probably kills you with various maneuvers with his hook which I'm sure would cause bleeding and eventual death if you were anemic and couldn't get to neosporin or a small bandaid.

CLEVER ONE LINER: I got candy and junk...Actually: They will say that I have shed innocent blood. What's blood for, if not for shedding?

CHARLES LEE RAY aka CHUCKY (A DOLL)

Everyone is familiar with Chucky, the killer doll, from Child's Play. The story goes that some murderer is running from the police, he gets shot, voodoo, becomes doll, yadda yadda, kid gets doll, Ridiculousness ensues. Now I think he is awesome because of his voice. Brad Dourif kills that shit, but every time I watch this I have to get up and strike myself with a household item and remind myself that...IT'S A FRICKING DOLL! the guy who put his soul in it was a scrawny little bitch too so unless Chucky has the power to drain even the smallest amount of power it takes to tear a dolls arms off then I need to go punch a baby. Oh and yes the doll has muscles and organs. Ok, here's a project. Go and find a creature roughly the size of a Good guy doll, like a raccoon. And kick it. See how far it went? Yeah that what I'd do to you, you little doll bitch. Did my good guy just move?

HOW HE KILLS: With his tiny little knives, or with large knives that couldn't possibly fit in his little pigmy, infant hands. You got bitch hands Chucky? Now how ya gonna act baby fist?

CLEVER ONE LINER: Hi, I'm Chucky. Wanna play? Yeah, in traffic after watching that film. OOHHHHHHHH!

FREDDY KREUGER aka Pizzaface McStabbyhand

Now this is one of the most popular movie monsters of our time. Who hasn't seen one of the many frightening films Wes Craven has so kindly blessed us with. I know I can't get the frightening theme music out of my head. 1,2 Sham's comin for you...3,4 your mom locked the door...5, 6 your mom loves the dick, 7,8 ill use the back gate, 9 10 had to break the window again. O wait thats Nightsex on your Moms street. OHHHHH. Good one Sham. Thanks. This film is about a pedophile who tortured and killed children. When the victims families find out he is out of prison they burn him alive. He makes a deal with these 2 demons that look like sperm and he invades your dreams and makes them come true. Some of the films are pretty scary, and some are laughable at best. I always wondered instead of like getting weapons ready for him when you wake up, just watch like donkey porn and those porns where gay midgets bang big fat clowns with horns and balloon animals and then most likely you'll dream about it after vomiting for a couple hours. I'm pretty sure freddy would peek his head in that dream and slowly back out while whistling.

CLEVER ONE LINER: You've got the body and I've got the brain...How sweet, fresh meat...and everyone's favorite...Wow, this acne has really gotten out of hand.

Freddy even did a duet with Will Smith...Beat that bitches!
Nightmare On my Street. By The Fresh Prince and DJ Jazzy Jeff

PENNYWISE or IT

Well, nothing is scarier than a monster called "IT". Observe.

Jim Bob: Run man, it's coming.

Jebediah: What's coming?

Jim Bob: It! It's coming!

Jebediah: How in tarnation am I supposed to know the exact velocity in which to run unless I am properly informed as to what "it" is.

Jim Bob: Fuckin clown gone and done killin up all the folk round here! and he's a comin!

Jebediah: Clowns do not scare me.

Point proven.

Im not going to lie, this movie scared the bejesus out of me. Well Tim Curry in make up would scare anyone...

HAHAHAHA. You are hilarious sham! How do you do it? You are an infinite casm of comedy. Thank you, Thank you.

The story goes as follows. Bunch of kids are losers. They each come into contact with this pedophilic clown named Pennywise. He touches a couple of them innapropriately, they go into the sewers for revenge. They get older and form a clown rape support group. Actually the story is pretty good and the clown is friggin scary. My only thing is no children in their right mind would go into the sewers to defeat a clown monster, no matter how much money Stephen King offered them. RIP JONATHAN BRANDIS. We all float down here, and you float up there....you float up there.

CLEVER ONE LINER: You want a balloon? Here, now lemme touch your peeshy... They ALL float down here. When you're down here with us, you'll float too!

JASON VOORHEES

This is about a 7 or 8 year old kid who comes back from the dead after drowning. Now apparently while he was dead he was given a healthy dose of horse steroids and growth harmones because he comes back as a huge fucker. Like many other movie maniacs he can't die and even if you outrun him with a ferrari he will appear in front of you when you stop. I've come to the conclusion that monsters like Jason construct elaborate pulley/zipline systems above the wooded areas they haunt. Once the areas are mapped out the complicated, yet extremely fast wire ways become perfect ways for Jason to cut you off. I have used ms paint to draw an artists rendering of these wire ways.

They probably just rotate who controls the ziplines one night. Jason mon, wed, fri...Michael Myers Tues, thurs, and sat...everyone knows monsters take off sundays to watch Entourage.
He has been crushed, burned, sodomized, quartered, blown to pieces, blown while eating rieces pieces and still he comes back. Like that girlfriend you found out had the clap. I said no Tina! But overall I think Jason is one of the most badass of all time. You get your revenge you 400lb, 6'8 little boy!

CLEVER ONE LINER: GLLRRBB...BLLBGLRRBBB which means...I HATE PREMARITAL SEX!

LEATHERFACE

Now, Leatherface is less supernatural than the preceding killers. He’s just a fucking nutjob who likes to cut off peoples faces and wear them like masks. You find out he’s part of this hick, cannibal family who look like they would smell pretty awful in person. He wields this chainsaw and just screams and waves it about like some fairy on queludes who just found out Liberachi died. He cuts up a bunch of people and that’s pretty much it throughout the sequels…except he dresses like a woman in one which stars Matthew McConoughey and Renee Zellwegger. Their performances are oscar worthy to say the least. I see Leatherface as a mediocre movie monster because I think serial killers are 12 for ten cents. Only plus about Leatherface is you get to see Jessica Biels boobs in a wet shirt in the remake of the movie.

CLEVER ONE LINER: AHHHHHHHHH ::chainsaw:: AHHHHHHHHHH ::chainsaw::

Last but certainly not least…

MICHAEL MYERS

Now Michael is a beloved movie monster just because of the pure evil he embodies. I for one just like the mask. I mean, his mask and Jason’s are pretty equal in bad-assery, but just something about the blank human stare on Michael Myers’ face. Awesome. Oh and he kills his whore sister as a small child. One thing I don’t get. How come every monster that is unmasked has to have a sloth face? Even Jason in Friday the 13th drowning, had sloth face. Am I supposed to believe that all retarded kids can morph into supernatural serial killers? If so I resign as head of retard affairs for the special Olympics. You aren’t gonna murder this guy with your helmet little timmy. OHHH NOOO!

NOTE: SHAM DOES NOT CONDONE THE WORDS “RETARD” OR “SLOTHFACE” AROUND AN ACTUAL RETARD OR SLOTHFACE.

UPDATE: WE HAVE WORD THAT THE MOUTH OF HELL HAS SWALLOWED SHAM.

Now that I’ve gone through all of the modern movie monsters who have caused you to soil yourself throughout the years, lets reminisce about all the “Classic” monsters from back in the day…The originals that blow modern monsters for money.

Who could forget…

DRACULA

Pretty much blatantly homosexual. Only uses women for blood. Leaves the real sucking to his male victims. Dresses like Liberachi. Sleeps in a coffin that looks like a 90 year old woman designed it. Bela Lugosi was pretty good. Still thought he liked pole. Christopher Lee was good…at cocksmoking…Best Dracula…hands down…would have to be…Gary Oldman...fuck you if you don't agree.

THE MUMMY

I have a personal connection with this prolific character for obvious reason I won't resort to in fear I will be racially attacked by my mother. The mummy was creepy, but if it was in my house I wouldn't be scared, I'd be pissed I have to vaccuum, I mean it’s kind of dusty. No one likes a dusty, draggy thing messin up your carpet.

THE WOLFMAN

I love the wolfman, though werewolf sounds cooler. Lycan is a new word that the man created to take away the original magic of horror movies and make everything sound scientific. What the hell is a spermicidal Lubricant? Why couldn’t we have just kept it as Slippy dicky, anti baby Jelly? Fucking government. Wolfman…I salute you.

FRANKENSTEIN

The book didn’t impress me…Robert Deniro’s take of an Italian Mobster Version of Frankenstein’s monster intrigued me, but ultimately disappointed. All in all it’s a weak character who lacks depth and…a soul! ZINGGGGG…SPOT ON SHAM…SPOT ON!.....Thank you.

Last but absolutely least and last…

THE CREATURE FROM THE BLACK LAGOON

First of all get a shorter fucking name. By the time you say “Oh no! It’s the cre...” the thing has already grabbed you. They call it “the creature”, but seriously the movie should’ve been called “Holy shit, do you see that…a fish with legs…that’s wild…Well I better get some cream for this rash on my balls.” MUCH BETTER TITLE. I mean it’s a glorified fish for fuck’s sake. Just throw sand in its face and keep it out of the water. BOOM. THE END.

AND NOW THE MOMENT YOU ALL (ME) HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR…ALL YOU DAPS FANS VOTED AND YOUR PICK FOR THE COOLEST MOVIE MONSTER IS…

LEPRECHAUN? Seriously...I'm not even going to dignify this with information.

HAHAHA SHAM CHOOSES MICHAEL MYERS. OBVIOUSLY ALL THE DAPS READERS ARE SLOTH FACES…MUAHAHAHAHA. WHO DO YOU THINK TOPS THE LIST? IF I’VE FORGOTTEN ANY GO TO HELL MY HANDS HURT, AND FEEL FREE TO ADD TO THE LIST BOYS AND GHOULS! HOT DAMN I’M GOOD! NO1s READING THIS ANYWAY! HAHAHAHAHAHA

Love,
SHAM THE McGYPTIAN