Greetings Valtrex users,

This is a momentous occasion I have covered exclusively from Chinatown, NYC for DAPS. The events that follow are some of the most grueling events known to man. These feats can not be performed by normal men...NO SIR...these olympians are fucking insane.

I'll list the events in the order I observed them.

1. Parkinson's Archery

I HEART MARTY McFLY

I'm sorry about that photo cuz I love Michael J. Fox...but I just pooified my pants laughing.

This event was comprised of 7 archers (4 from USA, and 3 from some island off the coast of south america) who all did not necessarily have parkinson's...3 were recently released prisoners , but they were well qualified so we let them compete. The competition ended with only the referee surviving and then killing himself after the guilt of participating in the event. Godspeed olympians, you all won the gold in my eyes, even you, Juan "Kills innocents with arrows" Valenz. Wow that name should've rang some bells during scouting.

2. Ipecac Pong

ATHLETIC GREATNESS IMMORTALIZED IN PHOTO.

Now this event was hard to watch, the competition was so fierce. In this event cups are filled with beer and one is laced with Ipecac. Once that cup is hit the opponent will unknowingly drink and begin to vomit violently. In order to win the match the opponent must drink all liquid in their cups to qualify, even if it's filled with vomit.

Winner: Uh I didn't see who won, the smell of vomit caused me to blow chunks on a small old lady who in turn died shortly after from grossed outedness. I was escorted out of the warehouse/arena but I snuck back in and I'm pretty sure Shamus O' HURLey (ZING!) of Ireland won. Ugh. I just got myself sick.

3. The ridiculously sharp, awkwardly flying Javelin throw while blindfolded, tripping on acid..sponsored by McDonold's.

Umm...

This event, this event was just unecessary.

4. The Shotput in mouth and resist domestic violence

HE ALWAYS CAME IN LAST.

This event was particularly hard to watch because I love women and would never touch a hair on their heads...but sometimes a man needs his dinner right away....just sayin...In this event 5 married men are given numerous shots of alcohol. Then their wives are let into the arena to insessantly nag them and yell at them. Whichever athlete finishes all the alcohol given and does not hit his wife wins.

Winner: Tie between Russia and America. Both choked wives....and the judges allowed it.

NOTE: SHAM DOES NOT CONDONE DOMESTIC VIOLENCE IN ANYWAY, EVEN IF YOU GET A SOLID GOLD MEDAL THAT IS WORTH A WHOOOOLE LOT OF MONEY.....OHHH HONEYYYY.

*that event was originally drinking and then whoever could throw the heavy ball through the most car windows won, but I'm on probation so....

5. The High jump

PERFECTLY EXECUTED LUNG COLLAPSE DISMOUNT!

In this event the olympians got high on PCP and jumped off a building. Whoever had the most creative routine before they hit the ground won the gold medal.

UPDATE: HOLY SHIT THEY ACTUALLY DID IT....THIS WAS JUST FOR LAUGHS MAN...DID YOU SEE THAT?!

::CLEARS THROAT::

I mean...They were great athletes...they will be remembered for all time...yet another event which had no winners.

All in all this was an amazing experience, though somewhat depraved and perverse. This man has never seen more bravery, valor and utter lack of love for their fellow man than what he observed at the first annual OLYMPIC GAMES in BAYJING. All of the medals were given to the families of those who participated in this mockery of human competition. The police are here now so I have some evading to do. Good day.

SEND BAIL!

LOVE ALWAYS,
Sham The McGyptian

NOTE FROM SHAM: Hitting women is never ok, but if you're stupid enough to shoot arrows at eachother or drink your own puke then Sham is behind you one hundred thousand gazillion percent...Thank you. Jump off a building. That is all.