Greetings Valtrex Users,

I come to you a broken man. It has been months since I had to sit through that snuff film " The Dark Knight" and yet the terror and violation I felt is still fresh in my mind. Why do I call it a snuff film? I'll tell you why...it's because Christopher Nolan has taken the pure, colorful, and frankly, perfect essence that Joel Schumacher created with his 2 Batman films and bent it over the kitchen counter, pulled it's pajama pants down, and ass-raped it. Batman and Robin was a breathrough in modern cinema and will be treasured as one of the greatest movies of all time for generations to come. George Clooney's masterful portrayal of Bruce Wayne made ladies swoon, and men wish they were him. He was witty and corageous and should be given an oscar for greatest actor in any film ever. Now we go to "mush mouth" Bale who speaks like a damn Orc with Laryngitis, but Clooney didn't even have to change his voice, because he has a man voice and not the voice of a 6 year old English boy with no testicles. If you were actually able to understand what he was saying, you could tell the writing was done by someone who had no sense of the world of Batman. No bright colors, no clever quips from Batman. Just seriousness. Batman is supposed to be fun, a movie you can watch with your adopted son, whom you haven't called in 6 months, but The Dark Knight is dark and scary and seems more like a Matrix movie than a Batman one. Chris O' Donnell's portrayal of the Boy Wonder, Robin, was a Tour De France. He was able to channel the rebeliousness of a young man, while also giving Robin a strong, confident side. The supporting cast of The Dark Knight was satisfactory at best. Gary Oldman's portrayal of Gordon was mediocre and everyone knows the real Gordon was fat. Get your facts straight "Penis in the Colon" Nolan. The villains in The Dark Knight were mobsters, The Joker, and a brief cameo by the scarecrow. GAY. Heath Ledger's performance was pretty good, but the real scene stealer was Eric Roberts. Boy can he act. But if We're really talking real deal, badass villains, Batman and Robin packs more of a punch than The Dork Knight. 2 villains are seen in B&R and they are the best villains that have ever graced the screen...ever.

Batman and Robin has....

Mr. Freeze

Arnold "The Governator" Schwarzennegger gives an amazing and funny performance as everyone's favorite ice man, Mr. Freeze. You can tell that Arnold prepared alot for the role and even went as for as shaving his head. If that's not dedication I don't know what is. He gives us such gems as "Chill", and "Ice to see you!" Schumacher was very faithful to the comic version of Mr. Freeze and the accuracy and attention to detail in the suit actually made me cry at a comic convention. Thank you Joel, and Thank you Arnold.

POISON IVY

I have two words. Hubba Hubba. Where do I begin? Uma Thurman delivers an oscar worthy performance as the venomous vixen Poison Ivy. I had sex with my hand many times while watching this movie and let me tell you, she is worth every aching moment my carpel tunnel acts up. She is funny and should have been given a nobel prize for her charity in giving us the opportunity to watch her craft on the screen.

Now we go to the dark knight. This movie has laughable acting by the villains, and though Heath Ledger played a good joker, he is no Cesar Romero. I mean c'mon did you actually enjoy this movie? Now that I've proven the villains in B&R are far more superior than that of TDK I will now shift to the laughable, sloppy mess that is TDK's batmobile.

Oooo wow this car can leap buildings and shoot missiles and crush cars. Big deal. This piece of shit looks like a failed welders side project he hides from his wife.

Welder: ::Welding:: man I can't wait to finish my super duper, indestructable, impenetrable, awkwardly shaped, UBER TANK! Now let me weld on this last piece of sheet metal I ripped off my neighbors house. There, done. Now where can I find the biggest, most obnoxious tires ever conceived? Oh I bet ol' Chris Nolan got some.

Wife: HONEY! Dinner's Ready, why are you always in that damn garage?

Welder: Hey, I wonder if they would ever consider using this in a Batman movie, I mean sure it looks nothing like any version of any Batmobile, but it can run shit over. Batman likes to run shit over doesn't he? I mean it won't be as nice as the one from the Clooney batman movie, but hey I'm sure some new shitty director could use it to show a different depiction of one of the most important parts of Batman's arsenal.

The Dark Knight doesn;t fail to embarass us as a nation. The Batpod? Really? Fuck you. This is the batmobile.

BOOM.

Your batmobile may be badass and futuristic, but mine's got a thing that spins in the front. Take that jerkoff.

I am going to end this with a comparison between Bruce Wayne's love interests in both films. ::cringes::

In TDK Nolan really went all out to satisfy Bale's sexual preferences. He picked a woman, who looks like a man dressed as a woman who was hit in the face with a shovel and then bukakked with horse splooge. She who shall not be named, should be ashamed of herself for existing and shame on Nolan for using her horrible facial deformities to futher his career.

Now Schumacher, on the other hand, casted a gorgeous model as Bruce's love interest and here she is...

ELLE MACPHERSON

BOOM. I rest my case your honor. Now where did I put that damn hand lotion...

Now I know it's a hard truth to accept,but after all of this evidence I think I've made it extremely clear that not only was The Dark Knight the worst Batman film ever made, but quite possibly the worst FILM. Period. People say Schumacher's films were campy and cheesy, but I say they were done with grace and passion. The acting in the Dark Knight was unsatisfactory and elementary, but the performances in Batman and Robin by the entire cast was amazing. They made me laugh, cry, tremble and cheer. All I did when I watched Dark Knight was look at my watch and play with myself. I was glad when the police took me away for indecent exposure. IT'S NOLAN WHO SHOULD BE ARRESTED FOR INDECENT EXPOSURE...HIM NOT ME MAN!

oh and I almost forgot...

Oh yeah. Take it all in Dark Knight fans. That's Batgirl, something Nolan left out of his "film".

And all you loser's that say it's the Godfather 2 of comic movies. I say it's the Gigli of comic book movies. The best actor in this movie was...

That guy. Why? Because he didn't speak. I didn't have to endure the spewing of horrible dialogue that Nolan shit onto paper. This man, in my opinion, had the best performance. Good work thug number 3.

That's all for this rant. Now please for all of you who would like to punch me in the face. Please keep the mobs down to at most 4 people because I have bad knees. Thank you.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Love,
Sham TM...please dont hurt me.