Greetings Valtrex users,
As we all know gas has reached a national average of 4.00 a gallon, cigarettes have gone up to 8.50 a pack and even 10 in some devil worshipping delicatessans. With the rise of the price of fuel, many other products we purchase will also go up in price and with the help of my trusty time travelling apparatus (Acid, shrooms, and crazy horse malt liquor) I have seen the prices of the future and have cheaper alternatives to them all. BEHOLDDDDDD!!! whoa I just saw a golden flamingo beating Gary Coleman with a clown shoe...Ok back to the subject at hand. We will begin with the obvious.

GASOLINE

You can use a number of things that are lying around the house in place of gas...for instance:

Unicorn Tears.

Now these beasts tend to get alittle agressive when you steal their tears so I suggest you bring the staff of homosexual bewilderment. That usually keeps them occupied until you've gathered enough tears. This should fuel your car for about 6 hours or at least until the twilight dragon eats your carborator.

CIGARETTES

Now, as we all know, there are already some alternatives to buying expensive packs of butts. You can always buy the no frills brands such as Kentucky's Finest, Old Jebediah's Formula 12..etc etc. I bring you some fun and cheap ways of getting the good stuff.

Collecting.

I stumbled upon this treasure trove a fortnight ago and I tell you it was glorious! Finding smoked cigarettes and collecting the left over tobacco of each one and rolling your own is not only cheap, but it's also extremely unhealthy and probably the grossest thing I've ever thought of...but you can use the money you saved for herpes medication or wipes for your throat hole. P.S. Robot voices rock.

Sucking on Candy Cigarettes dipped in PCP.

I don't recommend this, mainly because I've never tried it...I'm assuming it would solve your cigarette problem, but greatly increase your Keifer Sutherland Vampire attacks by at least double and by vampire attacks I mean you screaming at old people in the Nude claiming they want your blood to harvest for Jack Bauer.

Now enough of cigarettes and gas. On to the really important stuff.

Beer.
The factories that pump out this nectar are powered by oil and gas I assume, but I'm not a fucking engineer to get off my back. I assume the prices will go up for beer too and if so here's my alternative.

Riot.
We should riot and protest how much we hate beer, and in turn police will fill giant tanks with delicious brew and spray the crowd with it. It's almost too genius.

Well my list must stop short because I am coming down. If I continute i will lose the comedic flare that I began with so I retire saying keep your eyes on your wallets and if you're not afraid of some deadly disease or police beat downs then take my advice and use it.
Love always,
Sham the McGyptian

NOTE: Sham does not condone the use of drugs for comedic purposes, only for the relief of reality and that green mime on the unicycle that won't stop killing your cats.