show up everywhere.

I know I didn't get the e-vite, but I'm here anyway. At your birthday party. At his birthday party. At his uncle's wedding. If he works at a restaurant I'm there with my entire family and guess what, my parents like him. He's forming a special relationship with my baby cousin when you thought he didn't even like kids. Now I'm at all his bands shows front row, getting songs dedicated to me. You know, one of the songs might even be about me. Somehow when you're on dates or out with your friends, I'm around. I'm friends with your friends now. We're outside and I'm lighting his cigarette (Oh my god, since when does he smoke? That's right bitch...

outshine you in everything.

You don't know how, but I have suddenly become an expert in everything that he likes. We now have all the same majors in school and tastes in music. When you're passed out on the couch, I am still able to drink and party because I put roofies in your whiskey sour. You won't let him put it in your ass or blow him while he's driving....but I lie and let him know I do that with my boyfriends. I'm upping the bar...but only past your limits and you'll never catch up. MUAHAHA. It's the bottom of the ninth and you will never get that grand slam!!! You're like Alex Rodriguez and only do something amazing when it's not helpful at all!!!!

make sultry eyes.

It's a trick I learned from when I was a geisha in a past life. I look for your man, then slowly look at him making direct eye contact, then look away. I get the attention then pretend like it's nothing. If my back is turned I look over my shoulder then flip my hair. I'm slowly blinking at him with way too much eyeliner on, then I'm going to clearly stare at his package, then you, then his package. You can't even get mad, because "I'm not really doing anything". In fact you're not even sure if I am really doing it. Then I do Morse code blinking saying 'Let's eff'. Then he will go home and fuck you and accidentally say my name. I have now successfully hypnotized him! (Note: Some girls can not do this task because they have the 'crazy eyes'. According to Urbandictionary.com, 'crazy eyes' can be found on moderate to attractive girls. If you have crazy eyes, don't worry just be sure to wear a push-up bra or come fuck me pumps aka CFMPS

lie.

I'm already lying about my whole personality and interests to your boyfriend anyway, but I have to scheme to drive you batshit....So I'm going to tell all your friends I do him. Then they'll tell you. Then I'll be like, "I never said that!" Because chances are you're bigger than me and can beat me up. One day, I'll figure out what his room looks like from your myspace photos and text you describing the GI Joe pillow case claiming to have humped it. I'll write in my xanga that we spend Valentines, Christmas, and Flag Day together but use a code name that only you will understand; being that I have made you so paranoid you are practically John Nash. Also, I'm going to use my little sister's phone and store it under his name and send myself fake text messages to show off to all my Old Navy co-workers.

put my boobs on him.

I will put my boobs on him.

harass him on social networking sites.

I'll chase him down in the Best Buy parking lot and take a photo with my cellphone and make it my new myspace default. I'm going to leave him like, at least 10 hearts and winky faces a day. I'll comment his myspace photos that don't have you in them and go 'LOL, CUTE'. I'll put him in my top friends...not number one at first. I'll probably upgrade his position weekly...as I get closer. I'll send him gifts through various Facebook applications, like the free little pug dogs but do it under 'anonymous' to hide the affair. You'll see that I sent him a Facebook 'poke' and he'll claim "oh it's nothing baby..." but you'll know...you'll know.

sabotage.

I can't stand it, I know you planned it. Imma set straight this watergate!!! All those positive pregnancy tests in your garbage your mother found? That was me. The calls from the doctor about that nasty rash? ME. The photos of you all over your campus and on the school's computer desktops of you deep-throating your father? Well he sent me those, but HA!

make him a mix tape.

"Don't Cha (Wish your girlfriend was hot like me)" - Pussycat Dolls "Sexyback" - Justin Timberlake "Put It In Your Mouth" - Akinyele "The Thong Song" - Sisqo "I Want To Know What Love Is" - Foreigner "Let's Get It On" - Marvin Gaye "Lick It Up" - Kiss "Caress me Down" - Sublime "Closer" - Nine Inch Nails ''In Your Room'' Depeche Mode "Dirrty" - Christina Aguilera "Your Body is a Wonderland" - John Mayer "I'll Make Love To You" - Boyz 2 Men ''My Ding-a-Ling'' - Chuck Berry "Purple Rain" - Prince "The Bad Touch" - Bloodhound Gang

fake a tragedy.

Something really horrible has coincidently happened to me, and your boyfriend is going to have no choice but to comfort me because I am going to widdle it down the most insane situation that only he is equipped to handle. Maybe he had a golden retriever once and mine recently died. He'll need to comfort me. With his dick.

Lois Griffin.

In a recent (highly scientific) DAPS pole, Lois Griffin was voted hotter than Marge Simpson. But what about Lois is so hot? I think it’s because she is a matriarch. A woman in charge, she knows how to get shit done. And isn’t afraid to speak her mind. Also her husband is a fat drunk mess who does whatever wacky thing that comes into his mind, and what man doesn’t want that future for himself. I personally hope my Lois is out there somewhere waiting for me…sigh.

Marge Simpson.

Marge is hot. Years of marriage and motherhood have done nothing to diminish her tight figure. She’s still in amazing shape. Plus that blue hair is totally a turn on. It says I’m domestic, but almost in an ironic way, because her rocking bod totally says “do me.”

Birdgirl.

The unwanted side kick of Harvey Birdman (attorney at Law), Birdgirl is really the daughter of his boss. She’s hotter, than usefully it turns out, but still who wouldn’t want a sidekick like this. She’s so hot, her power is to make everyone around uncomfortable due to her obvious to everyone (except her own dad) secret identity.

teenage Pebbles.

When Pebbles became a teenager in later Flintstones cartoons they decided to make her super hot. Voiced by Sally Struthers (not very hot) teenaged Pebbles was everything you want in a girl. She had a waist so thin; it would be impossible for her to walk upright in real life. She had cute little boobs. A pretty face, and her mothers smoking hot red hair. Sadly she gave it all to Bam-Bam. I’m sure he railed her good though, his name is Bam-bam.

Velma.

Don’t let her glasses and oversized sweater fool you Velma is a freak. Everyone knew someone like Velma in college, and she was such a ho. This is the kind of girl who spent all her time, studying and doing extra circulative activities, but when she needed to blow off steam, she’d hike up that plaid skirt and plow the nearest thing with a dick. Then beg you to finish on her glasses.

Evil-lyn.

She was Skeletor’s right hand woman. She had balls, power and a sexy purple bondage outfit. She also carried a big ass stick that she could use to either conjure up magic power or simply knock you on your ass with. She was sexy but dangerous, you always got the vibe that if she saw the opportunity she’d totally take over the operation for Skeletor and tell him to hit the bricks.

Jessica Rabbit.

“I’m not bad, I’m just drawn that way”…oh you dirty little girl. When I was a kid I had a Jessica Rabbit toy that I would put in my tighty-whiteys and leave it there all day. I gave me a cheap thrill. There’s not much to say about Jessica that hasn’t already been said, but do take note of this: How many redheads are on this list? Interesting.

Janine Melnitz.

Janine was the secretary for the Ghostbusters. She answered the phone and was rude to people but they never fired her because Egon wanted to bone her. Looking back at Janine’s long red fingernails and big stupid earrings, I think I know where my attraction to tacky girls comes from.

April O'neil.

She was a reporter, who helped the ninja turtles. Sounds familiar I know, April was yet another Lois Lane wanna be. (I do realize Lois Lane is not on this list, but she’s more of a comic book character than a cartoon one) April was hot in a Murphy Brown kinda way, she was a career woman, who was the sugar-mama to Casey Jones her bum boyfriend. I did get the vibe sometimes that she wanted to bang Raff. Did you?

school supplies.

Okay truth is I’m a college graduate, so I’m all done with school. But that doesn’t mean I have to miss out in all the promise and wonder of school supplies. It doesn’t matter if you go to staples, or the supermarket or a corner deli, buying school supplies is such a fun event. It’s like enlisting soldiers in the war against lethargy. After a summer of drinking, drugs, and thoughtlessness you are preparing your brain to reawaken and the pencils, and notebooks are there to aid the cause. The cover of a marble notebook is meant to represent the “white snow” of the summer mind. Scattered, loud and unfocused, when you write in your marble notebook it represents the focusing and repairing of your brain.

McPumpkin.

Is this not the best holiday or what? It’s spooky and fun. Even me a skeptic who hates all marketing, can’t help but get excited when I see all the big companies roll out there Halloween campaigns. No one my age (25) can go a Halloween without remembering the awesomely cool, McDonald's pumpkin candy bucket. When you ordered a happy meal, the meal would come in the bucket and then you would bring it home (wash off the grease) and use it for candy storage on Halloween. It was awesome!

new tv shows.

The summer time is all about big blockbuster movies, while there is no new TV. But once fall comes around TV is cool again. Some shows work, some premiere have a few episodes and you never see them again, but either way it’s a time for new art (believe it or not TV is art) and that is the fun of it. I am particularly excited this fall for the return of “Californication.” Coming off of the train wreck that was the new “X-Files” movie, I think David Duchovny needs something to help people remember he’s actual a good actor.

cool weather.

The most obvious thing that happens with the arrival of a new season is a change of weather. Summer – fall is my favorite of these because you go from hot and muggy to cool and crisp. There’s nothing like a windy fall evening, the kind of night where it feels like there is electricity in the air. It’s the kind of night I live for. My grandma used to say that a cool autumn wind was god rubbing her tits in your face. Ah grandma how right you were.

fresh new digs.

Fall clothes shopping is even more fun than school shopping. It’s time to wrap up that flabby body in some sexy new digs. Personally, my goal is always to get 2 new pairs ofr jeans, 3 new t-shirts and 2 or 3 new button downs (for when I want to sex it up) but whatever your style, the fun is getting to find a new way of representing yourself to the world. Also shopping for clothes is fun because you get to troll the mall for high school ass. Yum.

scary movies.

With the approach of Halloween scary movies start coming out every weekend at the old movie theater. Sure one of two of them may not blow balls, but the truth is if you wanna watch good scary movies, you gotta go with the classics. What on earth can be funnier than watching awesomely crafted 1970s horror films with good friends, and eating mad candy? The answer: sex. But other than sex, nothing else because candy+friends+candy= superfun!

warm apple cider.

If jesus pissed into your mouth, it would taste like warm apple cider. Nuff sed.

carving jack-o-lanterns.

Last year I had a fun stencil that was shaped like the grim reaper, and I carved a pumpkin with it. My grim reaper jack-o-lantern was the hottest shit ever, until the next day when the temperature got to 80 degrees and my pumpkin melted. Thanks global warming.

falling in crush.

Fall is such a great time for falling in crush. Everyone has got their new clothes on, and running around being all sexy. A lot of guys note that in the summer time there seems to be an endless supply of hot blonde girls, as if they hibernate in the winter and come out to be hot in the summer. Well I think the same thing goes for hot brunettes in the fall. I don’t know where they are in the summer, maybe standing behind that hot blonde you can’t get your eyes off, but in the fall the sexy smart brunette is where its at. Mmmm kisses.

halo.

This is just a rip off of “007 golden-eye” for the n64! What’s that young man? You don’t know what an n64 is? It was a video game system back in my day. We used to have so many great times with it. You’d plug in the giant controller with its long black wire, play fun games like “starfox” and “mario64” then run over to the hop and do the Madison all night!

Angelina Jolie.

Just because you are not ugly, does not mean you are pretty. Angelina Jolie’s face is benign. It’s unremarkable. It’s like a blank canvas that was never crafted into a face by god or buddha or “the cat in the hat’’ or whoever you worship. The next time I’m in a movie theatre and a trailer comes on for a movie starring Angelina Jolie don’t bother whistling and shouting at the screen you homophobic loser. Save that shit for your Dad at thanksgiving dinner.

heated seats.

Heated seats are a luxury that is more fun to say you have than it is to use. I personally don’t like them because whenever I’m in a heated seat, it loosens up my anus and I shit all over myself. Tru story.

plasma screens.

It’s the emperor’s new clothes. Plasma screens make everything look grainy (or in technical terms pixely). Take a deep breath, I know this is hard but it’s time to come clean with yourself. Your TV cost too much and doesn’t look good. The only thing worth watching on plasma screens are the news and sports. Any other image created for TV, or film comes out looking bad. You should have used that money to buy a robot.

driving fast.

I get it. Your super cool and edgy, I’m so impressed I can barely contain myself. Now stop endangering everyone on the road and drive the same speed as everyone else. People who zig-zag all over highway so they can maneuver in front of the cars around them are similar to people who “go” to the university of phoenix. You may think your getting somewhere but you are not.

the beach.

In the words of the immortal Bill Hicks “It’s where the dirt meets the water.” Who cares, I think water is pretty, but I really just need a good minute to look at it and I’m done. Also you get sand in your: eyes, shoes, clothes, mouth, hair, food, drinks, balls, vaginas… Sand gets everywhere and never gets out.

going to a diner after the bar.

It always sounds good as you leave the bar, but once you’re in the diner your tired. Half way through your disco fries your bloated and by the time the check comes you just want to be home and feel less fat. Save your money and your waistline and skip the dinner and go straight to the throwing up at home.

shaved vaginas.

Don’t get me wrong I enjoy a shaved va-jay as much as the next fella. But come ladies variety is the spice of life. Hair can make a vagina look dignified and womanly. I like it one extreme or the other, either shaved or completely untouched. A giant vagina fro turns me on like no ones business. Grrr.

anal sex.

I’ve never had anal so maybe I shouldn’t be judging it, but the vagina is less than an inch away. That good feeling you want is right there. Anal sex is a patriarchal answer to the woman’s lib movement. It’s a way of having sex without her enjoying it, and that’s not my bag baby. Mike likes to give pleasure to the ladies. (P.S. I know a lot of women like anal and that’s just great, but I think girls who like anal like it for the same reason I like it when a girl dresses me up like Clark Kent and yells at me for being a pathetic little bitch. It’s the whole sub thing.)