Flight.

This one is a given, everyone wants to fly. Go into any gym or health club and look for the trimmest guy running like a madman on a treadmill, or the bulkiest guy lifting weight. Both these gentlemen (although they’d never admit it) think in their heart of hearts, where special dreams live, that if they work out hard enough, they will achieve the ability to fly. It’s never going to happen Kal-el, but nice abs anyways.

Force field.

I want to be able to create a soundproof force field like the chick from “Fantastic Four”. I’d use it for my own purposes though. Like if I’m having an argument with someone, I’ll make my point then when it’s their turn to talk I’d put the bubble around them and act like I can’t hear them. “What sorry I can’t hear you I guess I’m right, huh bitch?” Then I’d try to roll them down a hill. Does it work that way? With my luck the world will come it its inevitable nuclear ending at that very moment and the only person left alive on earth will be the jerk-off I was fighting with. Then again he’ll be alone forever with no one to hear his point, so I win.

Lightning from fingers.

Just like the Emperor from “Star Wars”. I’d go around giving pretty girls what I’d call “the old electric goose”. I could also get a job as an E.M.T. as I would make a great human defibrillator. Most cool is that I can get up to a high point (like a mountain) and effectively menace god. Wait no, that wouldn’t work, I can’t menace god…yet.

Grappling gun.

Yeah! When you think grappling gun you definitely think Batman. This is the coolest item ever; they proved on “Myth Busters” that a human couldn’t really use a grappling gun to hold his weight up, but to hell with them! Except Kari Byron, I’m a big fan of hers...sigh. As a funnyman I’m pretty attune to my timing, timing makes the joke don’t ya know?! I’d use my grappling hook as a way to enhance my comedic timing. Here’s how that would go: Mike: Hey what’s up, do you like my Heath Ledger T-shirt? Girl: No not at all, I think it’s in bad taste. Mike: Well I think your face is in bad taste! BOOM! GRAPPLE. And I’m gone!

Web shooters.

I want revenge. All those kids who hit me with spitballs in first grade, during lunch. They’re going down. I’ll hunt them all down, find them, I don’t care if they have wives or families or what. I swear to god and all the little green apples, I will have my revenge! Splat right in your face!

Bigger penis.

I want a bigger penis. That’s a super power right? My penis is okay now, I’m sure it’s satisfied someone at some point, but when I’m in the shower and I look at it, I just think I wish it were more…super. I wonder if Clark Kent had a little penis, then when he took off the business suit and got into the tights and cape, it somehow got bigger.

Breathe under water.

But NOT talk to fish. That shit’s dumb. I just want to be able to be underwater for long periods of time; I’d travel the ocean! I’d chill with whales, battle sharks; even get frisky with a mermaid! I’d look for the underwater cities or Atlantis and Rapture. Most importantly I’d find the loch ness monster. Nessy and me have a date with the man upstairs…lets see how tough you are against an electric man riding on a monster! Lets see how tough god!

Human torch.

I’d drive around and get into tiny fender benders on purpose, then jump out of my car pretending to be on fire. Screaming as loud as I can. Man the look on peoples faces…priceless.

Rapid healing.

Like Wolverine or the Cheerleader I’d love to have rapid healing powers. Just think how nice your skin would be. Like a newborn’s ass, smooth and clean. Plus I think I’d be less of a pussy and do shit more, like become a stunt man or pick fights with bouncers.