Train an army of Corgis.

The Pembroke Welsh Corgi is a bad motherfucker. The smallest of any dog in the herding group, these dogs have been bread to herd cattle. They nip at your feet, and annoy you into doing their bidding. If you ever come across a Corgi you might find it’s Gizmo-esque look charming, but don’t underestimate it, Corgis don’t fuck around. With an army of Corgis nipping people and yapping through the streets I could easily control the world. This idea came to me when Dave (of Davecast fame) first met my Corgi “Lucy” and was terrified. Yes we all know Dave is a giant pussy, but still the Corgi is an intimidating beast.

Indoor pool/ World’s largest bong.

As Master Shake from ATHF once said “swimming is for pleasure” and an indoor pool would be awesome! I’d skinny dip, throw pool parties, and drown kittens. All fun pool stuff. Then when I feel like “kissing the sky” a large glass dome would descend from the ceiling and cover the pool. The dome would have tubes coming out of it like a hukka or something like one big steel tube everyone shares…I don’t know I haven’t finished the blueprints yet, but I assure you a bong it would be.

Robot decoys.

Much like Superman had in the early comics, I would have Robot decoys to take my place when I was unavailable. These Decoys would all look and sound exactly like me and when my services were required at, family functions, funerals, second dates, and religious ceremonies; one of the decoy Mikes would show up and no one would be the wiser. At some point I’d train one of them to be mildly funny and he could write “Decoy’s Ten.”

Save comedy.

I’d use my vast fortune to strong arm a lot of comedy’s worst enemies out of business. For instance I’d have some thugs show up with baseball bats at Kevin Smith’s house and tell him to cool it with the bad movies or they’d break his knees (if they could find them). Others on the list would be: Bill Cosby, George Lopez, Opie and Anthony, Jeff Foxworthy, Carrot Top, Dane cook, Carlo Montagnino, Carlos Mencia, Jay Leno, Will Ferrell, Steve “purple suit” Harvey, and Larry the Cable Guy. Also I’d have Dimitri Martin beaten severely; anyone who can steal jokes from a comic who’s passed away is beyond just a warning. RIP Mitch Hedberg.

Build a “checkers” in my home.

“Checkers” the official restaurant of NASCAR, is by far the fattiest, greasiest, fucking most delicious food on planet Earth. “Checkers” fans are akin to “White Castle” fans, we’re dedicated, and when a craving hits, nothing will stop us from getting our food of choice. So having a “checkers” built in my home would be a dream come true. Yes I know what you’re thinking “surely you’ll become obese in no time Mike”? Well I’m sure you’re right, but who cares I gotz money!

Re-edit “Revenge of the Nerds”.

I’ve always had this fun idea. I want to re-edit the classic film “Revenge of the Nerds” so every time the word “Nerd” is spoken, it is dubbed to the word “Jew”. Think of the hilarity!

Establish the A.A.P.A.R.

I wouldn’t be completely selfish with my money; I’d give to charities, and try to make the world a brighter place. I would use my wealth to establish the (A.A.P.A.R.) Association against parental ass-rape. Young people of the world being ass-raped by your parents…I speak your name.

Home gym.

Believe it or not, I actually enjoy physical exercise, and if I had the means I would build my own home gym. Not a “home gym” like the “Bowflex”, I mean an actual gym within my house. Also I’d hire Capt. Lou Albano to be my personal trainer. I’m a lazy guy, so I need a trainer who’d push me to workout for like twenty minutes then suggest we go grab a beer. I’d set up a nice cot for Capt. to sleep on too, I’m a nice guy like that.

look-alike posse.

I would hire a Sammy Davis Jr. look-alike and a Dean Martin look-alike to hang out with me at all times. We’d play golf, take a “shvitz” and eat all meals together. (Sigh) what a life I’d have.