a friendly ride.

So I was driving down the street on my way to church. Because I love Jesus. And I saw two lovely women standing on a corner. It was cold outside. So I offered them a ride. It was just a friendly gesture. The problem was my backseat was all filled with junk so I had no room. So I put them in the trunk. I don’t know how they got all dead and stuff.

assassins.

Those two girls were sent to kill me. I was in my bed sleeping. There was a knock at my door. It was those girls, I won’t lie; I found them both very attractive. Before I could even invite them in, there was a gun in my face. The shot was fired; I ducked under the bullet with cat-like agility. Roundhouse kicked the first girl in the face; I didn’t know my own strength, her neck snapped like a pencil. Any harder and her head would’ve come clean off. The second girl ran, but her fear was so strong I could taste it. She ran and climbed a tree outside my house; I started to climb up after her. She saw me coming and tried to knock me down by throwing coconuts at me. I caught a coconut with my foot then threw it at her face hacky-sack style. The blow must’ve killed her because by the time her body hit the ground she was already dead.

not my car.

Officer that car isn’t mine. I mean okay it is, but it wasn’t until very recently. Yesterday morning my mom sent me into town to sell our cow. I went into town to sell it but the man at the livestock pawnshop said old Bessie was only worth fifteen dollars, way less than Mom had expected. As I stepped outside to ponder my decision, an old man approached me. He said he’d happily take my cow in trade for some magic beans. He told me the beans would bring great wealth. I made the trade, went home and planted them. The next day from the beans a car had grown out. I was unaware though that the truck was full of dead prostitutes.

they're just hookers.

Come on guys, let me go. It’s not like they’re real people. They’re just hookers. They’ve got no souls.

zombies.

Look the reason I had those two girls in my trunk is simple. They’re zombies. I was drinking alone in a cemetery, my usual Sunday night, and I saw these two girls actually rise out of their graves. It took about 45 minutes, because the dirt is thick and zombies don’t have much muscle mass. It was kinda funny, until they finally got out. Then I had to kick their asses. I beat them down with a near by shovel. Then put them in my trunk. I was going to burn them someplace safe.

killed each other.

Okay, yes I did hire them as prostitutes. I am a man who likes whores what can I say? I was in bed with these two girls when things got a little crazy; they started fighting over my penis. At first it was hot, but then it got too real. Each claimed ownership over my massive manhood. I told them there was enough to go around but they didn’t listen. The fighting got more and more intense, and before I knew it, they were both gone…this…this isn’t the first time my extremely huge penis has lead to squabbles of jealousy, but this is the first time any one ever died from it. OH GOD! WHY HAVE YOU FORSAKEN MY WITH THIS OVERSIZED MONSTER SHWEEN!?

bribery.

Listen guy; let’s forget this whole thing. I’m a very important man. I can help you. How would you like your own reoccurring column on dogandponyshowwebsitedotcom?...Okay stop laughing…you can stop laughing now. STOP LAUGHING!

terrorists.

I was in a Starbucks, enjoying some burnt black coffee and reading a vanity fair, when these two gorgeous women sat next to me. At first I was eavesdropping on their conversation just for fun, but then their topic got serious. They took out laptops, which was my first indication something was up, because we all know, hot chicks can’t read. Soon the their convo was about bombs, and planes and even high ranked officials. I had no time to call homeland security so I took things into my own hands. I had to rape and kill them…ugh…I mean I had to kill them.

more bribery.

Let me out of here and I’ll suck yo dick!

Hands-free cell phone devices.

Hey everybody look at my Bluetooth, I’m super important! GO TO HELL you white scumbag. Why is it every time I go out to dinner in a nice restaurant, I see someone who has one of these things in their ear. NO ONE IS GOING TO CALL YOU AT DINNER! Am I really to believe your so important that you can get a phone call any second and that it will be so urgent you must take it immediately, no precious time can be wasted having to raise your hand to your ear? What does that take 1 second, 2 seconds at most? You’re not a borg from star trek you’re a person, a stupid person. Take the toy out of your ear and pretend like your interested in what your wife is saying.

People who say “Kafkaesque.”

Don't you just hate when white people throw big words at you? "Kafkaesque" is the height of this arbitrary and redundant catastrophe of literary conformity. These corybantic vagabonds and their Vain lunacy in the gallivanting usage of such imperative superfluous statements are simply arbitrary and incoherent in their proper context and droll motivational allegories designed to stupefy and fractionalize the caste system of our homeostatic and geocentric minorities. Word.

Graphic tees.

I get it, your hip white folks. True story: I had a ninja turtles T-shirt on and my mom asked me why a grown man was wearing a ninja turtles shirt, and I actually stopped thought about it and told her, I’m wearing it ironically. Well I never felt more like a sack of dogshit. After that I wanted to erase that memory from my mind, so I took off the shirt and burned it…I also killed my mom. Thanks white people, now I’m an orphan.

Frugalness.

White people can be such frugal twits sometimes. Take Mike for instance. He wanted to write the paragraph on frugalness. But I knew better. His ways would never have sufficed. How could he ever know what's good for me? Only I am the arbiter of my creative wit, and drive. Oh dear. I seem to have put that comma in where it needs not belong. A little razor blade to the back of my knees will teach me to never do that again. Look at that; the blood means it's teaching.

Sudoku.

Whenever I see a white person doing a Sudoku on the train, I always do the same thing. I watch them and wait for them to let out a frustrated moan, to let everyone around them know “I’m smart and I’m playing Sudoku, but I can’t seem to get this one part”. Once I hear the moan I politely approach them. “Can I help?” I ask with a smile. They hand me the pencil. I then jab it into their eye. That’s what you get for being a pretentious douche-bag.

Blue collar comedy.

Hey, let's take everything smart and thought-provoking about comedy and dumb it down to the extent that we can successfully make George Carlin spin in his grave. Blue Collar Comedy in five easy steps: Rednecks, gay "jokes", smart people are stupid (???), shit jokes that aren't so much actual jokes as they are just references to taking a shit, and Liberals suck because they're different. Yes sir, nothing at all ignorant about Blue Collar Comedy.

Private schools.

Private schools are made for white parents who want to keep their kids away from “niggers”. Plain and simple. They’re breeding grounds turning the next generation into hateful, racist, pretentious maggots. Hhhhmmm I should throw a joke in here somewhere…on second thought, who cares? Private schools are bad. End of discussion.

Old fashoned delis.

Nothing reeks of white people more than a old fashioned deli. It combines everything white that man has ever come up with: Old people, sliced meats, pickles, 1920's Americana, 50's music, glasses of water with a lemon slice on the rim.

Rap music.

These gosh-darned white kids and their rap music. Degrading women and drinking Crystal (Pepsi I assume). They make me sick. They're making lower-class white kids want to gang bang and smoke weed. Oh, why did white people have to create this demon-spawn called rap?