Terminator 3 -- The Terminator Series

Ok, so Terminator 2 was probably the greatest sequel of all time. Then came part 3, and you know what? Not so good. In fact, I have a friend who is the biggest T2 fan of all time. So Terminator 3 comes out on his birthday and he goes to see it, all geeked out and excited. And the fucking thing is so bad it puts him in a state of depression. True story. Now it isn’t all bad. It’s got some great action sequences and a perfect ending. Seriously, the absolutely most perfect ending this series could have had. But you know what, everything else about it sucks. Nick Stahl, who is a good actor, plays a grungy, pussy version of John Connor. Ok, so Edward Furlong was kind of a sissy too. But he was pre-pubescent John Connor. Now Connor is in his twenties and you know what: I want him to start kicking ass. When the fuck does that start to happen? Claire Danes kicks more ass than him in this movie. You also have no Sarah Connor. She’s dead when the movie starts. Not even cool dead. Not even like she died while blowing up a Skynet facility or something. She died of cancer. What the fuck? Did the filmmakers behind this not get what made T2 great? It is about a mother who will do anything to protect her son’s future. In this special case, in protecting his future she also protects the future of the entire human race. But no more, yea, she’s dead. Way to go.

Holiday Mass -- Our Best Holidays

So you open your little child eyes, clean out the crust and all of a sudden get real excited and run downstairs. Cause it’s Christmas and you want to tear open presents. But guess what? Not yet little Johnny, get your Sunday bests on cause we’re heading to church. And it isn’t even regular mass, it’s extra long Holiday mass. That’s right, Jesus’ birthday standing in the way of our presents. What the hell Jesus, don’t you get enough attention? You gotta cut into our time for presents. This doesn’t always happen on Christmas either. How about Easter Sunday. When you just want to eat Cadbury eggs and go searching for hidden gems, instead you get another extra long mass to sit through. You know what shouldn’t exist, mass. As I read what I just wrote you know what else I hope doesn’t exist? Karma.

Stryker -- Mortal Kombat 3

Mortal Kombat was a landmark in video games. The best of the bunch in my opinion: part 3. The last 2D entry before it got all three-dimensional and made me nauseous. How awesome was that added run button, so you could rush up to an unprepared opponent and tear into his ass with a 7-hit combo. I just want to know what member of the development team said: “Hey, I got an idea for a great character! A city cop! Isn’t that awesome!? Won’t he fit in wonderfully with all sorcerers, and martial arts masters and demons?!” I’m sorry, but if I can choose any one of the greatest fighters that ever lived, I am not choosing some cop. You know what his big special move is, he shoots you. No magical martial arts abilities that he can channel through his body. Nope, he shoots you. Who the fuck brings a gun to a karate fight anyway? Plus he’s got riot gear and a nightstick to trip you with. His costume? A backwards hat. Yup, backwards hat cause he’s so hip. Doesn’t really fit in next to all those cool ninja outfits, does it? You know how I know he sucks? His roundhouse kick was weaker than everyone else’s. And everyone knows the roundhouse kick is the best move in the game. Hey Stryker? You’re a pussy.

Yellow Snow -- Snow

You know what’s awesome and never gets old no matter how much you do? Playing in the snow. You know what’s not so awesome? Playing in the snow when it’s yellow.

Late Afternoon Hangovers -- Drinking beer on Sunday

So it’s Sunday, and you want to just sit back and watch football. But it isn’t enough to watch your team and the one other game we get on regular cable. (Screw you I’m not getting Direct TV.) So you and your buddies head to the nearby bar where they get Direct TV and you can watch a different game on every TV. You drink a ton of watered down beer and eat a bunch of wings and mozzarella sticks. And now you’re drunk and it’s 1:17 on a Sunday. So a few hours go by, and you start to get tired, and thirsty and you begin to feel a killer headache starting to creep in. And you realize, it’s 7:00pm and I’m fucking hung over. How is that possible? I haven’t even gone to sleep yet. But guess what? It is happening, and it is possible. You’re too tired toe at dinner and too full on cheap fried bar food to care. You lie in bed and try to stay up long enough to catch your line up of Sunday television. But you fall asleep halfway through Dexter and don’t even make it to Entourage.

Underwater Levels -- Super Mario Bros.

I’m probably in the minority here. And I’m sure I’ll get shit for this. But I can’t stand the swimming levels in the original Mario. Mainly because I totally suck at them. I’m playing, on a nice roll, just got a few power-ups, and extra life or two. But then I see that fucking pipe, and I pray it’s one of the mine levels. But it rarely is. So I start swimming and before I reach the end I’m little Mario and down four lives going into the Castle. When you die, it really pisses you off because first off, the enemies are totally lame. It consists of fish who swim straight ahead. In one direction. Wow. Menacing. And then you got the squids, which are a little trickier, but not much. Or you can die by not pressing the B button quickly enough and falling into one of the chasms. If I die in a regular level, from a worthy opponent, I don’t get mad. But these instances of losing precious lives really twists my tits. If I get killed by one of those hammer-throwing guys, or those little fuckers in the clouds dropping spiked balls, well that’s fine. Those are worthy adversaries. But not pussy little fish who can’t even change their direction of attack. And honestly, the music for the underwater levels really isn’t up to snuff. Regular Mario music kicks ass, and the underground levels has a nice aura of mystery, But the underwater levels sounds like an acid trip at Swan Lake. The only time I can stomach these levels is when I have fireball throwing’ Mario. But that irks me too. Don’t video game developers know you can’t throw fire underwater….Dumbasses.

No Beer In The Bleechers -- Yankee Stadium

I feel that the bleachers at Yankee Stadium get a totally bad rap. I happen to like sitting out there. You get a great view of the field, one that is almost the same as your perspective from TV. So when you argue balls and strikes, you actually know what you’re talking about. The fans out there are also the coolest and most rowdy in the stadium. One time I got these executive seats and it blew. I was the only one screaming my head off amidst a bunch of suits who probably couldn’t tell what sport they were watching. I can’t be the only one screaming, I’d look weird. And I can’t not scream, that wouldn’t be American. A sporting event to me is not complete until my throat is raw and I can actually taste blood seeping its way up my vocal chords. But aside from having the best view and best fans, the bleachers are missing the absolute one thing that goes with sports….beer. No beer you say!? Yep, no beer. What the fuck is happening. Is there a ripple in the time space continuum that resides directly over the outfield walls of Yankee Stadium? Causing that area to exists in the times of prohibition? So what if I pay ten bucks for my ticket then spend the other hundred in my wallet on booze. That’s what you want, isn’t it? I’ve seen beer commercials. You’re not cool unless you drink beer at sporting events. That way the girls like you.

Way Too Effective Series Finales -- Favorite TV Shows

Two shows stand out when I consider this topic. Fresh Prince of Bel Air and The Wonder Years. Now, we all love television, and we all have our favorite shows we like to revisit again and again. But you know what sucks, when the creators do everything right and end the show perfectly. What the fuck man? Have you seen the finale of Wonder Years? It’s like the single most depressing thing ever…ever. It’s so damn good it ties up everything and leaves you wanting absolutely nothing more. Come on! I don’t want to know that Kevin doesn’t end up with Winnie. That he marries some other chick we never heard of and has some kids. And he and Winnie are both totally fine with it. He and Winnie were supposed to be together forever, that’s what I want to remember. I don’t want a last minute completion to the story that yanks that away. The Fresh Prince finale is even worse, and by worse I mean perfectly executed. The family moves to New York, empties out the house and leaves Will in California. It closes the book on things so nicely it fucking pisses me off. I want to believe that Will and Carlton are still getting into random acts of shenanigans and driving Uncle Phil to a stroke. But you know what, they aren’t. Everyone has grown up and moved to other stages of their lives. Uncle Phil probably retired happily. Ashley probably made an effort at a singing an acting career that went nowhere and now her, Carlton and Hillary work very respectable yet boring jobs. And Will, I bet he’s a big Hollywood star by now. And I bet he never returns anyone’s calls.

Belle Doesn't Get Naked -- Beauty and the Beast

So everyone has the hots for Jessica Rabbit, that’s a given. But Belle is the girl you bring home to mom. The girl you fantasize about marrying and settling down with. Jessica is the way too hot for you sorority girl who you admire from afar. Who gave you a slutty “I want to fuck you smile “one time. And it drove you crazy all through college. Jessica’s the cunt cheerleader who was kind of your friend, but never even jerked you off. But she did manage to bang like ten guys you know. If you did get to bang her, she gave you crabs. Belle’s sweet, she’s a good girl. She takes care of her father, sacrificing her honor to keep him safe. And, she’s totally not into the built, jerk-off jock types. Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m in very good shape. But I’m normal and don’t look like I have a daily creatine sandwich. She ditches that frat-boy Gaston because she loves the Beast for who he is on the inside. Plus, I’ve always preferred brunettes. I totally dig a chick with dark hair and light skin. Not that I dis-like tans, but there’s just something about a girl with creamy white skin that totally gets me. When the girl is tan all over, there is literally no place where the sun doesn’t shine. But when she’s pale underneath it makes it seem like you’re seeing something she doesn’t put out there much. Something she doesn’t even reveal in the tanning booth. So in possibly the best animated film of all time we get a beautiful girl with a great personality and values to boot. But she doesn’t get naked. Sigh. But it makes me think, would I still love her if she did?