“I’ll give you something to cry about.”

Well sir, in case you missed it I’m already crying. Perhaps threatening me with physical harm isn’t going to cheer me up. I can cry if I damn well please; I don’t need to justify it to you!

“Because I said so!”

Great…because you’re too lazy to be a good parent you’re going to fuck up my entire concept of justice. Damn the man! This is why I smoke so much pot now.

“Who said life was fair?”

This one often followed “Because I said so”. I don’t know who said life was fair Dad, but I know who said it isn’t fair. You. About 300 times a day. No wonder I’m so afraid to grow up and move out of the basement, I assume people are just going to rob me and punch me in the face when I walk down the street, because life is not fair.

“When I was your age…”

This was always followed by a gigantic lie. “When I was your age I never disrespected my parents”. “when I was your age I never asked for money”…I don’t recall any age where I bought this line.

“I’m gonna call Santa and tell him you’ve been bad”

Okay first off, your George W. Bush-like fear tactics sicken me. Secondly, how on earth did you acquire Santa Claus' telephone number? Why do I have to write him a letter if I can just call him and tell him what I want? Lastly, I’ve been good all year; one infraction and you go all the way to the big man? WTF man?

If all your friends jumped off the Brooklyn Bridge would you do it to?”

Don’t preach to me about conformity lady, you’re the one who freaks out if I laugh at church because you shutter to think what the other mothers would say. If you’re such a free spirit why did you move us to the suburbs to stay away from bad elements? (Black people)

“Don’t waste food, there are poor people in China who’d love to have food.”

Do you know anything about China? They’re not poor. Are you sure you don’t mean Bangladesh? Those bastards are still dirt poor. George Harrison didn’t make a dent with that place.

“Don’t make that face at me young man!"

So I can’t even look upset while you’re fucking me over? You’d like me to be a complete Robot perhaps? So, I should be independent when my friends are all jumping off a bridge (because that happens a lot), but when you’re yelling at me I’m supposed to sit there and smile at you?

“I don’t care what your friend’s mom does, I’m not your friend’s mom, I’m your mom”

“I wish you weren’t!” was always the classic reply here, but looking back a better reply would have been: “Go fuck yourself cunt”…she would have never seen that coming.